Into The Pit

That's where my "dad" belongs.

For years he has terrified me. Now in my imagination, I, the little girl he has terrified for years, was able to have the "super" power to finally throw him into the pit where he can't hurt anyone anymore.

After Sunday's session with my trauma professional, there was just so much stuff swirling below the surface that I was feeling it physically. My chest felt tight and I was sitting in my car crying because I was feeling so frustrated with myself for not being able to focus or get anything done.

My trauma professional called and for almost the next two hours we were able to connect with some of those parts that needed attention. For a while it felt like it was just going in circles till I said that

"I don't want to be seen."

I really don't like to be seen.

I don't like to be heard.

Because then I could possibly get hurt.

Because then I often got hurt.

(I had written the whole post only to have it not save and so I lost a whole house's worth of writing and I didn't have the energy to rewrite it. I'm going to try again a few days later...)

At first when I said I don't like to be seen I was thinking of a guy I see at work occasionally. He is a dwarf and I'm taller than him but I still am scared of him because of his persona. The way he interacts with others makes him sound like he's tough and strong with a hard shell just like my dad. Thus he reminds me of my dad and I don't like him and ignore him to the point of being rude. Because even though I'm bigger than him and he probably wouldn't hurt me physically, it's like that terrified little toddler part inside of me comes to the forefront.

Even though I am where my parents cannot find me it doesn't mean that I'm not scared of them. I'm still scared of them finding me and, honestly, I've thought out scenarios of them somehow finding me at the shelter in such a vulnerable state which would just reinforce the belief in their minds that I'm mentally ill.

As I processed where the fear of being seen and heard comes from, and realizing that it comes from my dad, I was presented with the idea of putting my dad somewhere he cannot hurt me or anyone else in my imagination, because if i can imagine it and feel it in my body it will have a healing effect...

I decided that I want to throw him into a big deep dungeon, and I was reminded of the Bible story of Jeremiah the prophet who was thrown into a miry dungeon and fed only bread and water because of his dire predictions for the king.

So I, in my imagination, threw my dad into a pit where he has no way to get out for abusing and terrorizing me as a toddler and young child. I could see him, this tall strong man with a tough facade, turn into a weak, sniveling, blubbering wretch, because he realized that this little girl whom he terrorized and abused for his own satisfaction finally had a power that he had no access to. And that he was no match for.

It felt good.

Liberating.

Empowering.

I felt a bit of confidence rise inside my heart as well as joy.

I was asked if I want to put my mom there too. I wasn't sure. It was such a complicated thing because there was a part of me that still longs to connect with her. For her, she didn't as much outrightly abuse me like my dad, but she neglected me and didn't nurture me as a child needs to be nurtured to thrive. So for now, she didn't get thrown in a pit, but if I were to, she would go in a different pit because if they were in the same pit they would just pity each other and they've done that enough in this life.

I'm guessing my mom had some idea that dad was doing something to some of us because after a school parent got caught for hiding a camera in the bedroom of his rental. After the news came out, my mom cornered my sister and I in the barn and asked us if dad ever did anything to us. I remember telling her I don't know of anything.

It was just such a straight out-of-the-blue question that even if something was or had happened that I remembered, I don't think I'd have felt safe enough to tell her anyway.

But the fact that she even asked such a question showed that there must have been something in the past that she knew of or was afraid of to give her such a fear. And if we didn't acknowledge anything, she didn't have to either. Plus, there was also the horrible teaching in that religion of wives submitting to their husbands...

But for the time being my body is safe from my parents and they cannot find me. And in my imagination my dad is in a pit where he can't terrorize me anymore, nor hurt anyone else...even though it is sadly not that way in real life for my siblings...