What's The Next Step?

Warning: this is a really raw post. Read at your own risk...

Right now I'm angry.

Angry with the world.

Angry with life.

Angry with myself.

Angry with my body.

About as angry as these clouds look....

I don't know what the next step is.

I really don't.

I lay awake late into the night last night, scrolling on job websites, trying to figure out what to do. Trying to decide what the next best step is to take.

The other day I had a friend tell me that I basically need to "tough up" and work more hours. It played with my mind. It caused me to question whether the exhaustion is just in my head. It caused me to feel like I'm just being a wimp and that I'm wrong for trying to listen and take care of my body.

At first it made my trauma professional angry for a few reasons but then by the end of our last session she was basically saying the same thing..."which comes first the chicken or the egg? You need a safe place to live but you also need a job to provide money so you can get a safe place to live."

I got approved for the rapid rehousing program a month ago, just when I about gave up. Tomorrow I will be meeting with my case manager to discuss the situation, but I am again on the point of losing hope once again. And it didn't help that on Tuesday I was given a letter reminding me that my exit date is on April 19th as well as having my hours cut again to now be a total of 8 hours a week of which I will be lucky if I don't have to dig into my savings just to pay expenses.

It was so hard to not panic on Friday when I discovered that I was losing another 4 hours on my paycheck but since I've been listening to Robert Kiyosaki, the author of Rich Dad Poor Dad, his words: "I like when I don't have money, it forces me to think", kept ringing in my head and helped me try to be creative in trying to figure out what to do...

I thought I could use the design of I Am A Wild Child poem and create a short course. I have one more part to do before it's done.

It's been suggested that I use my nature photos for wall art and blank note cards.

I have a prompted journal that I created based off my I Am A Wild Child poem but I haven't published it yet.

I had also been trying to get started with affiliate marketing even though it isn't something that really "fits" me but I thought I could maybe make some money but then the other evening I got an email stating that the program will be shut down and replaced with a new one and that I will have to reapply. That their screening process will be stricter along with some other things. Leaving me feeling very discouraged because I've been trying to do it all on my own because I can't afford to pay anyone to help me.

On top of that I have more ideas but I'm constantly plagued by the deep fear/belief that no one will want to buy my stuff. I also don't know a lot about marketing but I want to learn. The only problem though is that most marketing turns me off and irritates me so it also means that I will need to find a way of marketing that doesn't irritate me to no end and I'm not sure how to do that...

Last night I found a few jobs that caught my attention but deep down I knew they wouldn't work. I know well enough that working more than 4 hours every other day without time in between to decompress is going to make me so miserable that I expect to get fired. On top of that is the stress of working in the workplace and being professional with customers as I perform which I dont have the energy for. Even just by the time I'm halfway done with my four hour shift I'm already exhausted as well as having heartburn/acid reflux so bad it keeps making me cough just from the stress. I keep telling myself it's ok and that I like my job but....but...some days I just don't think I can take it anymore. 😭 I want to work! I like to work! But my body keeps screaming at me and I feel like I'm betraying it because I keep trying to do what I need to just to survive because of the pressure from the outside...

So I have this pressure coming from the inside and the outside and it's about more than I can handle...

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what the next step is.

I don't know.

This morning I remembered how it was when I tried to work full time at my last job before I moved to my current state and how it felt like my body was shutting down more and more until I felt like I could barely move. It has put such a fear in me that I'm afraid if I try to "tough up" and work more I will experience the same "shutting down" all over again because I haven't been able to rest well any time in between then and my current situation. Sure I could consume energy drinks so I could keep going physically but I hate to think of the damage it will do to my body in the long run since it is already so burned out.

But maybe that's just an excuse.

Maybe I'm just lazy.

Maybe I should just tough up and work more even if it ruins my body.

Maybe I should just go to another shelter instead of trying to find my own space to live.

Maybe I am just a wimp.

Maybe it's just all in my head.

Maybe I really am just looking for handouts.

Maybe I'm just making it worse than it really is.

I don't know.

I really don't know.

I feel confused.

I feel angry.

I feel hopeless.

I feel defeated.

I feel exhausted.

I feel like I don't fit in the box of general society.

I feel like the workplace is not for me.

That I need to find another way to make income.

But how?

Just HHHOOOWWWL???

Usually by the time I get to my car after a 4 hour shift I end up crying. Sometimes a few tears. Other times a lot. It's bad enough trying to work my shifts. I can't imagine how much extra stress it will be on mind and body to try to find another job as well as work more hours.

But maybe I'm just making it up?

Maybe it's not really as bad as I think it is?

But why do I end up crying so often?

I don't know what to do.

I really don't.

I need income now.

A lot of it.

Not one or two months down the road when I market my creations.

Sigh.

I don't know what to do.

I really don't.

I don't know what the next step is.

I really don't.

Maybe I should just give up and go to another shelter. I might at least have my own room. That would be a step up from where I am now. Maybe I should just give up trying to have my own space. Maybe my dreams will eventually die. And stop tormenting me.

I don't know.

I really don't.

I tried so hard.

I keep trying.

But I keep hitting bigger and stronger walls every where I turn.

I'm so tired of fighting.

I'm so tired of trying.

I just don't know how I can keep going much longer.

The future looks darker and darker.

I don't want to give up.

I want to grow.

I want to heal.

I want to have my own space to rest in and decorate.

I want to have a garden to tend.

I want to nurture the parts of me that deserve it.

I want to bless others.

I want to work on miniatures.

And painting.

And tending.

And cooking.

I want to do so many things.

But it causes me so much agony to be unable to do these things in a safe environment.

A relaxing, calm environment.

I'm told to hang on to hope.

But it's too dark.

Its torturing.

Its brain frying.

It causes sleepless nights.

Because I am unable to do those things I love and enjoy. And when I try to do them I can't enjoy them which makes it even worse.

I feel like a burden on society.

I feel like a parasite.

I feel like I am worthless to society.

I feel like such a messed up piece of humanity.

But then again...

It wasn't my fault that I ended up in the shelter...

I can only go forward from here. I've been trying to so hard. But when I keep hitting walls and roadblocks everywhere I turn, I wonder how much lower I will go and if I will ever recover in any way...or if my parents really are right that I'm mentally ill. And I see pictures of dirty ragged beggars and I wonder if that is where I will end up one day. So far from my dreams. A useless piece of humanity that is a burden on society.

I can't see a future right now.

There's just too many huge roadblocks.

I want to keep trying but I just don't have much left in me to do so.

I don't know what is next.

I don't know what next step to take.

Or in which direction.

I really don't.

I keep wracking my brain for ideas till its fried with no good results.

I don't know what to do.

I really don't.

Its horrible.

It's a hellish reality to face day after day.

To not be heard.

To not be understood.

To be pressured from every side until I am ready to scream.

I don't know what to do.

I really don't.

I've tried so hard.

I must be doing something wrong.

But I don't know what.

I'm sorry that I don't have anything good to share.

I don't know how to end this on a good note either.

I mean, this is just me being honest and raw about my situation.

Maybe I can just share a photo that I took a few hours ago.

Maybe that's a good note to end on...

Maybe...