Art Gallery
In Honor Of Every Abuse Survivor Who Chooses To Heal And Use Their Experiences To Make A Difference
Over the years I've tried different ways of expressing my emotions and experiences. As an abuse survivor it is a life long journey to try to heal and process the trauma and pain caused by others in our lives. The more I learn and grow the more I want to help others and therefore I've become more and more vocal on social media about my own journey and part of it is sharing some of my creative expressions. Not long ago I've decided I want to make an art gallery for abuse survivors after sharing some of my paintings and hearing how other abuse survivors can identify. I know how misunderstood and alone an abuse survivor can feel in the midst of their journey when they don't know who they can trust.My desire is to banish that loneliness by helping survivors feel understood and connected with a community of other abuse survivors that are trying to heal. It is an excruciating journey to travel at times and one of the things that has helped me the most is to know I am not alone. Therefore if you are an abuse survivor who has found this page please know you are not alone...there are so many of us around you...
No Voice
Salty Words On A Wounded Heart
The motivation for this picture came about after starting with my 3rd horse therapist after the first one left when I was just getting to the point of actually trusting her. The second one did not work out and by then I didn't know how I could try yet again...So the first time meeting with this third person and several times thereafter she just talked and gave suggestions which made me feel pressured to perform. I felt like I had no voice, hence the name...
One time after a triggering session with my horse therapist I posted on social media asking for prayer that somehow God would carry me through this time because I'm so exhausted of people telling how I should try to heal. I got some supportive comments but I also got one saying that I should praise God and sing songs to Him. I replied that it seems like the person misunderstood what I meant that what would have helped more would've been a short prayer or comforting comment. Later on I saw yet another person had commented in agreement with this person and that they heard that it helped someone regroup if they worshiped God. As soon as I saw it I deleted my post because it literally felt like someone had dumped salt into my open wound. It reminded me of the verse in Proverbs 25:20 which says, "Like one who takes away a garment in cold weather, and like vinegar on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart."
The Aftereffects of Spiritual Abuse
One day I was having a session with my horse therapist and learning to trust her. I was talking about a certain traumatic spiritually abusive incident when she stopped me with the question "But what does the Bible say?" She didn't know that that is a triggering question for me and I spent the rest of the session crying. She did not know I would react like that. And well...neither did I. Most times in conversation when anything spiritual is brought up I tend to disassociate in order to cope and not embarrass myself. This is a painting with 3 scenes. The first part is of a heart learning to trust and makes themselves vulnerable. The second scene is of the words that trigger painful memories or emotions and third, the wall only gets built thicker and the person is weeping in pain, alone, because once again the person tried to trust only to be hurt again or worse...
This picture doesn't really have a name. I was just trying to express my emotions after realizing that sitting through a church service is triggering and most times so hard to bear that I almost have to leave. Usually I am scrolling on my phone in order to distract myself enough so I can bear it and don't have to embarrass myself by walking out. Finally one Sunday I realized that listening to a sermon of any kind causes me to feel shame, guilt and fear for quite a number of reasons, causing me to feel as though I could weep for hours and this picture came to mind so I decided to try something different and use up some fabric scraps to create this picture...
Fireball of Emotion
This is how I felt the other week when a trauma memory started surfacing after trying for several years to move on and go forward instead of taking time to process, grieve and heal. Switching jobs about a month ago is forcing me to face it because not only is it affecting me spiritually but also in the workplace because a former employer both spiritually and emotionally abused me and overstepped their boundaries. I was feeling panicky because of the emotions that were forcing their way to the surface causing me to feel as though I was holding a ball of fire that I couldn't get rid of and threatened to engulf me and make me go crazy, as I felt like I had no safe place or person I trusted enough to allow to sit with me in my pain...which gave birth to this painting.
I Don't Know How To Be A Friend
Tonight I did something that I may have subconsciously vowed to never do again: give a thank you note to a coworker. Yesterday I was reading 2 books that talked about the 5 laws of stratospheric success in which the one law is about giving value to the other person. One of my coworkers is a bright spot on my work days and out of the blue invited me to her house for Thanksgiving even though she barely knows me. I was nearly moved to tears and as I thought of adding value to her life I decided to write her a note and let her know how much she is a blessing to me because how will she know if I don't tell her? But I was not prepared for the emotions and memories that would flood me and the faint hope of perhaps a real friend. Not only is it causing me to grieve the rocky relationship that I had with a former employer that later turned spiritually and emotionally abusive(which causes me a lot of struggles in the workplace and elsewhere) but it also reminds me of how many friends I thought I had in the past only to lose basically all. Thus the title for this painting...because in writing that little note I was freshly reminded of how little I know how to be a friend and how exhausted I am of trying to find friends and build relationships...and I wonder if I just let down the wall by writing that note only to have another relationship crumble before my eyes. I want to be a friend...but, really...I have no idea how to be one. And I grieve afresh of the many people who I once thought were my friends only to watch them turn their backs on me or just drop me out of their life...I don't know how to be a friend...I never learned how to have healthy relationships...and that needs to be grieved...
Weary Spirit
For the last 6 years or more I've been sensing a weariness to the center of my being. In a way it is really scary. Most of the time I keep myself so busy I don't think about it but I know it's still there and my body has been trying to get my attention. Not long ago I finally was able to visualize the feeling and put it on paper as well as try to figure out how to honor this part of me and take steps to allow healing. So far the one thing I've discovered is to have time with no pressure to just do nothing or whatever I really want to do with no pressure to finish or continue if I sense that it is making me weary. If you resonate with this, just know that you are not alone...