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A Nightmare I Don't Know How To Wake Up From

If you have been following my story lately you may have heard that I was in the shelter for 7 really took me for a loop mentally and emotionally. My trauma professional put in countless hours to put up a fundraiser for me and someone else who also needed aid. I found a place but they asked for a double deposit because of my income level. I used most of my savings to pay half of the deposit just to hold the key because they were the first to even be willing to work with me.

Later my car needed the radiator replaced which was going to cost me $600. I no longer had the savings left for this. One of my friends did a GoFundMe which brought in double the funds so that I could pay for my car repairs as well as some other necessities.

My trauma professional, through her nonprofit, paid for the other half of the deposit plus my June rent expecting that the fundraiser would bring in the necessary funds to replace my savings and what she put into it.

But alas, it is nearly time to pay July's rent and there are not enough funds. The fundraiser did not take off as was expected. I don't think enough has even come in to cover the initial costs.

I only have about 4 good hours in a day before my energy is depleted. I only make a little over 500 a month and that isn't enough to cover rent. Plus I have to pay for utilities and gas and food if my assistance runs out which it usually does.

It makes me regret buying even the things I bought to make my life a little easier. I wash my laundry by hand because I don't have any laundry hookup. Wringing out the clothes is the worse. I cannot wring them out well because my hands get tired and so it takes so much longer to dry them. I thought today was supposed to be nice but it was supposed to rain while I was at horse therapy so I brought it all back in and turned on the ceiling fan. I just hope that my work clothes will be dry by tomorrow morning because I only have one pair of work pants which are about worn out.

I was trying to build a bit of a savings cushion so I can focus more on healing and hopefully regain some of my energy. I've just been through so much that its affecting me physically. I also have a root canal that was done several years ago but it keeps bothering me. I already had it cleaned out once since the initial procedure. At times it makes my jaw hurt and throb. Doing a root canal kills the blood supply to the tooth because they take out the nerve and that leaves the tooth with nothing but eventually decaying which studies have shown to my understanding that it leads to all kinds of other health issues. A specially trained person needs to remove it which is really expensive to do it correctly because the machinery needed is highly expensive. I have a gut feeling that this is also adding to my health problems.

I feel like I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. If not enough funds come in and I have to use my savings to pay for rent it won't be long before I won't even be able to afford gas, food, or pay my utilities bills let alone emergencies.

What a nightmare this has become! I've been wracking my brain for months now of better ways to make money because I am limited with what I can do and what I have energy for. I've spent money on courses and endeavors that have not worked out. It feels like I'm wasting money every way I turn. Can you hear the frustration? My latest endeavor is an Etsy store. It's only been up a few days but if you want to check it out here is the link:

Being around people wears me out so it limits what I can do. Yes, there is a time to face fears and stuff but when you're stressed and overwhelmed it usually doesn't go well so I need to be careful what I do or try to do which is really frustrating because I want to earn money and actually earn it instead of gaining it in a way that doesn't feel earned. Sometimes I just get so frustrated with myself but then I remember all the harmful things I was forced to experience without a choice and I know that that is why I find myself in the situation I am in. Another thing that is so frustrating is that I love to give and so it hurts to feel like I don't have anything to give. In fact, it feels like a part of me has died. I'm trying to resuscitate that part by putting a meager amount aside from each paycheck so that I eventually have enough to give if there's a need I want to help with or to bless someone just because.

But right now I feel like I'm in a nightmare. Its hard to even think straight. I get so overwhelmed I can't think well enough to figure what I should do aside from what I'm already doing. My mind just goes in circles and you can't get anywhere like that. Normal "people " think oh, just get a job and work like everyone else. Well, not everyone can. I've tried to work more hours but I've been unable to. I know that if I push myself more than I am able to do well I will just cause my health to collapse which I want to avoid at all costs. I still want my health. I still want to live. I still want to enjoy life. Most of all, I want to be a blessing to others. I try to...already this space has been a blessing to a other individual which makes me so happy.

But, if I ever wake up from this nightmare I might be able to do more...but then...doing is also where I get my worth so perhaps it is good I can't do as much. I don't know. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and be able to stop worrying about how much longer I'll have a roof over my head and a safe place to be...

Anyway, I don't feel like I have anything good to say because I'm frustrated and at my wits end but below you will find the link to the fundraiser that my trauma professional put so much hard work and effort into, especially behind the scenes and learning so much new stuff just so she can do it to help people who are falling through the cracks of society like me....feel free to at least check it out as well as share it if you can...

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