It's been a while since I've written about my healing journey. There's been a profound shift in the last little bit which has been quite interesting and I am excited for where it's going to lead me. In past IFS sessions I would approach my hurting parts from the past with my present self but now I seem to be approaching them with my future self which is quite interesting. There is a lot of different things that have led to this shift and...
FYI if you are religiously christian then it would probably be best for you not to read further because the things I will share are not compatible from a western christian viewpoint. If you can approach this with an open mind you are more than welcome to continue reading...
Some of you may remember a blog post I wrote a while ago about going down the energy rabbit hole... a few weeks ago I realized that I'm deconstructing and it's been a very scary feeling, partly because of all the sermons I heard in my last church about how deconstruction is evil and that it's just as sinful and wrong as the LGBTQ community. Also it triggered all the memories of all the people I thought were my friends that I lost over the years every time I left a church. It happened majorly 3 times in the last 10 years and I had to start almost completely over with trying to build another group of friends. This last time it happened about 2 or 3 years ago I have not recovered and my circle is very small of people I feel safe with that I actually consider friends. As I realized that I am deconstructing I felt like I had to go undercover for fear I will lose what few friends I might have left. For those who might be scared of or don't understand completely what deconstruction means, here is a definition:
"a philosophical or critical method which asserts that meanings, metaphysical constructs, and hierarchical oppositions (as between key terms in a philosophical or literary work) are always rendered unstable by their dependence on ultimately arbitrary signifiers"
In an easier to understand definition:
Deconstruction doesn't actually mean "demolition;" instead it means "breaking down" or analyzing something (especially the words in a work of fiction or nonfiction) to discover its true significance, which is supposedly almost never exactly what the author intended.
Both sources you can find by following this link:
Basically it is asking all the hard questions about the Bible and it's stories that I've never dared to ask before even though I thought them. It is in the safety of my home honestly asking questions and seeking for answers. It is being open minded and looking at the differences and similarities of world religions and how they started. It is exploring what science has documented and looking at how it correlates with different religions. It is openly considering the positive and negative of everything I've been taught and digging into ancient history and the things documented to try to decipher what the truth really is. It is considering all the things that were left out of the Bible that some Christians in other parts of the world hold as part of their Bible.
I have several times remembered how a former pastor's wife told me that the people in Africa don't have as much knowledge as we do because they wear jewelry and jewelry is actually sinful. I disagreed with her in my mind but I disagree with her even more know. I believe that she is the one with less knowledge, not the ones in Africa.
I've been listening to a lot of ancient history stuff and there are several individuals who have been extensively studying religions and ancient history and have been able to find evidence for it and how it's all tied together. It has been so extremely fascinating that I want to travel the world and see these places and the documentations for myself and breathe the air and feel the carvings in the stone beneath my fingers.
Another thing I have been looking into is how connected we are to nature and the universe and each other. This also opens the door to meditation, higher consciousness, raising my vibration and how I can manifest my future and how science has documented that these things actually work. It causes me to hold Christianity at arms length and examine it's positive and negative qualities and as I dig deeper I am seeing much more darkness than I ever imagined. It's no longer just my experiences with Christianity and it's impact in my life but now it's hundreds and thousands of years of history and it's impact around the world and all the cultures it has touched. And, the history is gut wrenching and heartbreaking...I will spare details but you can do your own research on how the world has been made to suffer in the name of Jesus... you can also do your own research for how the Bible came to be and where the doctrines of hell and the rapture come from... it's not what we have been taught in church...
There was a 3 week break where I didn't have any IFS sessions. In that time I found a meditation that has been very empowering in that it helps me imagine what kind of life I'd like in my dream future. It has helped me snap out of triggered states and to be honest with myself what I'd really like my future to look like as well as helping me to actually believe it is possible.
Two weeks ago I had a session and usually the process is of going inside and seeing what parts of the past want to be heard, helping them heal, and become incorporated into my present self. This time was different. It had been the anniversary of ending up in the shelter and getting locked out of the house and no longer being able to access my belongings. I felt as though my humanity had been stripped off of me like clothing and that I was turned out on the public streets naked. Ending up in the shelter put me in survival mode with no ability to process all the trauma and abuse I was dealing with so now I was feeling all those things but this from the safety of my little apartment. There was so much grief.
I couldn't wrap my head around the ability of one human being to treat another so cruelly.
I was asked to imagine my future self. What her nature would be. How she would be dressed. And other details about her. The image that came to mind was so incredibly beautiful that I could hardly put it into words. Not only that, but she fit perfectly into the things I was imagining in my meditations as part of my dream future.
What I saw was a tall, fine-featured lady with a no nonsense gaze and a heart of pure love, compassion, and kindness but no fear of getting her hands dirty helping others. She was dressed in a simple dress of pure white and beside her was a beautiful white horse with just as much of a no nonsense gaze as she but just as pure of a heart. Together they created an energy field around them that no one with malicious intent or fake facades as the person who locked me out of the house did.
I was still afraid of meeting this person around town or at the post office but I was asked what if my future self met her instead of me. In my imagination I saw this tall lady in white enter the post office and the person who turned me on the streets was in line and saw her come in and in the gaze of my future self she crumbled into a sobbing mess because she realized her fake ness was exposed and she had no power. In that moment my present self felt empowered. That she didn't have to be afraid of her anymore. It was liberating.
In my exploration of energy I learned that our body is running on electricity. The heart has an electric pulse that can be measured. Neurons in the brain connect with electricity. And in seeing that nature seems to run on energy/ electrical current I came across a video meditation for clearing the chakras in the human body. Considering how the body runs on electric energy it made sense to me that the body would have energy centers that could get blocked. I gave it a try for a few nights just to experiment and see if it helps at all. I noticed I had a bit more energy. I didn't do it a few nights because I was afraid I couldn't stay awake for the whole thing. I started having a lot of pain again so I decided to try it again and the pain went away. I decided I will keep doing it even if I fall asleep because it seems to be helping and I just try to not get too hung up on the fact that I might fall asleep before I'm done.
Then I had another IFS session and it was a very interesting experience. Before going inside to listen to my parts I tried to connect to my future self, the tall lady I mentioned earlier. In my imagination she came into my bedroom. Inside of me I was feeling a very scared little girl about 3-4 years old. She was so traumatized and in shock that she couldn't notice anyone around her. Like she couldn't function. The tall lady came and picked her up and cuddled her close like a mother would at the foot of my bed, leaving me as a third person being present.
As I lay there I was asked if the little girl knows who I am, but she didn't. She was too in shock, like something horrible had just happened. My back began to hurt horribly to the point that I thought that the little girl inside me had gotten a horrible beating for some unknown reason. My trauma professional suggested it could be a part that was trying to protect me from something even worse and more painful. At this point I had to run to the bathroom but when I came back I realized it helped me snap out of getting too enmeshed with that little girl and everything she was feeling. As I settled back into a comfortable position my trauma professional told the scared part of me that we are all here to help her and she is safe now and nobody will hurt her again. I invited the little girl to show me whatever she wanted to share because this was a safe space and she didn't need to carry that pain anymore. I will spare you the details but she showed me all the sensations of being raped and as a little 3-4 year old girl she had no words to describe what happened so she had to show me through sensations. As she shared those details I told her I am so sorry she had to experience that and that it was just so wrong and I am so glad she could finally share the load she was carrying.
After the sensations where over she showed me how she felt like there was a big empty hole in her. It was just a feeling but I realized that she was telling that she felt like she had been stripped of her humanity and that life as she knew it had disappeared and there was nothing left except emptiness. The more I examined this feeling and tried to put it into words for her the more I realized that that emptiness had been the same feeling I felt throughout my childhood and teen years. Like I was just a shell and I had no motivation to live because I had been stripped of my humanity when I was so young.
Some of you may remember when I wrote about the memory that came up of being raped as a 4 year old... I believe this happened at an even younger age. That this is the first time that I was raped except for the things my dad did to me as a toddler. Because of the level of trauma and fear I felt from her was a lot worse than the 4 year old rape memory. It seems like this memory was so violating that it left nothing but emptiness. The emptiness that followed me throughout my life. Thankfully, I no longer feel that emptiness because I'm healing and learning how to have care and compassion for my body and all my parts.
The interesting part was that through most of this experience I was observing as a separate person but feeling all the feelings in my body. I was able to feel compassion for what she endured. I didn't cry which felt very different as usually I would be so enmeshed with what she was showing me that I would cry because I felt like I was her. It seems that doing the chakra cleanse meditation is helping to bring stuff to the surface. I also believe that I'm at the point where my future self will be the one to care for my wounded parts now because I won't be able to heal very well from all the shelter trauma that happened in the last year trying to face it with my present self as it is too recent. I find this fascinating. This is a major shift.
I haven't done any art lately. I've been wanting to paint but I don't have any canvases to paint on. I wanted to paint the tall lady in white with her horse but I didn't think I could do that very well so I thought maybe I could make it 3d. Thinking I could maybe use a Barbie doll I went to the thrift store and found the perfect doll. The gaze was the most important. It didn't matter what her outfit was because I wanted to make her one. I wanted her to have a dress that was simple, pretty, and not restrictive like a lot of dresses are. I found an idea on Pinterest to use and here are the photos of her, before and after...
Found this on eBay... I love the name...
This photo is a little better...
Her gaze...
The picture of the dress I found on Pinterest...
How it turned out...
I still want to make her a silver diamond crown and add some sequins on the cuff of her sleeves and then I need to keep my eyes open for a white horse the right scale which may not be the easiest thing to find...
Ever since I started with IFS I have had a struggle to connect with my core self most of the time. But for the first time I have been able to personify that part of me. My name means pure according to Christian definition and that's who I've always wanted to be. I believe that this doll/lady in white is my spirit personified. She is going to help me heal and help me reach for the stars in my dreams of my future.
I do believe that these other practices I'm doing are helpful as well. I discovered a YouTube channel as well that uses crystal singing bowls for different ailments people might have. One day I had a stuffy nose so I listened to one specifically for that and it actually opened my stuffy nose and it stayed open for a number of days. My nights have been horrible and so I've been listening to one for insomnia and it makes me go to sleep fast which is nice because then I don't just lay there and get frustrated because I don't know why I can't go to sleep or why I'm even awake. I listened to one about abundance and confidence and it made my back hurt for a while which I found interesting because in IFS if I connect to the part of me that feels worthless and useless that same part of my back hurts. I don't like relying on my phone so much, especially at night, but I'm hoping eventually after I process and heal then I'll be able to do without but for right now it really does help. Also what's funny is, that not so long ago I would have been totally against it. This is the power of having an open mind. And when you go down rabbit holes such as energy and how meditation is scientifically proven to help humans heal themselves...
And now as I end this, I'm sure I could say more and I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read this but I do want to end with this... if you are reading this and thinking that I am going the wrong direction and you aren't open minded about how others can have different conclusions and beliefs and you don't want to be friends with people who believe different than you, I have one request for you: please unsubscribe from my email list and remove yourself from my life and unfriend me on social media. I'd rather have a few true friends and supporters than many fake friends like the person who caused me to end up in the shelter and locked me out of the house illegally so I couldn't access any of my belongings. She fooled so many people and I believe she even has fooled herself. Eventually the truth will come to the light as to whether you are a true friend or not.
And I appreciate all those who are true friends. 🤍 Thank you!
(I have this little light as part of my Christmas decorations and I saw the light formed wings.)
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