When something is depleted
It is empty.
The reserves gone.
The energy drained.
Nothing remains.
It is void
Of existence.
Not a drop left.
Bone-weary exhaustion.
No energy.
Rest does not replenish.
Drained.
Dry to the bone.
Dehydrated.
Shriveled up.
Empty.
Tonight
At my friend's house
Alone.
I want to cry.
Weep.
Wail.
Sink into the soft cushions
To rest.
Rest in vain.
Just enough
To get through
Another day.
I got glimpses
Here and there
The last several years.
But I kept myself too busy
To really consider
The state
Of my condition.
Exhausted.
Drained.
Bone-weary.
Dry.
Energy depleted.
I push myself
To do
What needs to be done.
And ignore
How I feel.
I stop.
I consider.
I know why
I am so tired.
Years of abuse
Have taken their toll.
Mentally.
Physically.
Spiritually.
Emotionally.
Psychologically.
Many moves.
No stability.
Lifeblood drained.
Current situation.
Stalking Mennonite lady.
Determined
To make me talk to her.
Wanting to
Adopt me as her daughter.
I set boundaries
To no avail.
She walks over them all.
Letters.
Notes.
Food.
Invading my space.
I say
Leave me alone.
I'm not interested.
No matter how often
I say so
She doesn't stop.
She keeps on
Invading my space.
I have to
Shove her out of
My way
So I can get
To my room.
I ask the son who's mother
She takes care of.
Please tell her
To leave me alone.
It is harrassment.
Too much stress.
Too much.
I go to housesit
A friend's house.
I rest.
I write
For my new book.
I clean my car.
I do laundry.
In peace.
Without invasion
Of my space.
I think.
I know.
All day.
I am tired.
Bone-weary tired.
Exhausted.
I am so done.
I need a place.
A safe place.
A very safe place.
I need rest.
Lots of rest.
Rest in a safe place.
I need space.
Privacy.
In a safe place.
I need help.
Help to find a safe place.
A place where
I dont have to be scared.
Of unwanted advances.
Or invasion of my space.
Where I can be myself
Without fear
Of judgment.
Of criticism.
Of gaslighting
Or manipulation.
A place where
I can be myself
To create.
To dream.
To decorate.
To enjoy.
To work towards my goals.
A place where
I am loved.
Wanted.
Accepted.
Cared for.
Appreciated.
Respected.
A place where
My heart can find rest.
It looks impossible.
I get overwhelmed
Everytime I try
To look for
Something else.
A place where I can feel safe.
Nothing I can afford.
Even single rooms
With shared facilities
Cost more
Than I can afford.
It looks hopeless.
As though the only recourse
Is living in my car.
I'm scared.
Terrified.
Just the thought of moving in
With someone else
Nearly causes
A panic attack.
So many moves.
So many places.
So many people.
Unsafe people.
Abusive people.
Unhealthy people.
People who have no idea
What boundaries are
And how to respect them.
People who make it
All about
Themselves.
So many people.
So many places.
I can't do this
Any more.
I am exhausted.
Of moving to new places.
With new people
Trying to trust.
Again.
And again.
And yet again.
Only to be manipulated.
Gaslighted.
Treated as less than.
Abused in ways that
Leave no bruises.
But
You can't see the damage
In my heart and mind.
Wounds that take
Much longer to heal
Than a broken leg.
Broken trust.
Broken heart.
Broken mind.
Broken soul.
Will soon break the body
If no rest can be found
In a safe place.
A safe place to heal.
It looks impossible.
I am so weary.
I want to weep.
To wail.
But I hold back the tears
In fear.
In frustration.
In desperation.
Feeling like an outcast.
Unwanted.
Unloved.
Uncared for.
Trash.
I find no place.
No safe place.
For my heart to rest.
To heal.
To revive.
No place.
I hear
In the back of my mind.
Perhaps god has you here
So you can learn to face your past.
What?!
I thought I was already
Trying to heal my past.
I hear again.
I'm begging god
To hedge you in
Because
You are needed to evangelize
The group you came from.
What?!
Why would god force me
To stay in an unsafe place?
Have you heard from god directly?
How can you know gods will for my life
Better than me?
Are you saying
You have a better
Relationship
With god than I do
Therefore he has revealed this to you
And not to me?
Its like telling a wife
To go home and be more submissive
To her abusive husband.
It leaves me hanging.
Bewildered.
Confused.
Exhausted.
Is there no way out?
I'm trapped.
I'm stuck.
People spiritualize the situation
But have no idea
The damage they are creating
Or the toll its taking
On me.
I wonder how much longer
Before my mental health
Really breaks
Because of abuse.
Of unsafe people.
No safe place
For my heart to rest.
And heal.
And revive.
I'm so exhausted.
I just want to sleep.
To relax and rest.
To watch the birds in the sky.
To feel the warmth of the sun
On my face.
To hear the babbling
Of the water brook.
To have space to call my own.
A garden
To take care of.
And friends who want
To spend time with me.
And enough money
To provide for my needs and
Bless others too.
Not much;
You see.
I don't ask for much.
Just the simple things
That make life worthwhile
A safe place to call home.
A garden.
And friends that are real.
A safe space where rest and healing can happen.
A place to belong.
A place to heal.
A place to rest.
Till my weary body is rested
And my strength replenished
So that I can go out
And create a safe space
Where others can come and find
Rest.
Belonging.
Healing.
Healed to be a healer
In the journey of life
Pouring balm into wounds
Till the wounded go forth
To heal.
To create.
To make a difference
In a hurting world.
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