Flowing With The Flow...And Watching The Magic Happen
- Sparkling Diamond
- Mar 30
- 16 min read
Updated: Apr 9
The past week has been a bit of an up and down journey...one that I wasn't really expecting... and yet the place I am now has been worth it...
Since I live alone and don't really have any community except online, there are times when the loneliness and longing for in person connection nearly suffocates me. Often I will turn to scrolling on social media to fill that hole that I can't seem to figure out how to fill otherwise. I also often end up sharing things that aren't the most beneficial or uplifting to those who would see it.
It makes me feel very vulnerable to share this but this will illustrate what I mean and will help you to see the journey it took me on than it would if I was more vague.
I was scrolling along on Facebook and saw a post one of my friends had shared about Snap(food stamps) and how $290 a month could barely cover necessary food let alone if one was on a special diet. I shared it, agreeing that it was barely enough etc. I didn't really think about it because it has been frustrating as someone who tries to eat healthy and organic to nurture my body and try to build up my health which hasn't been great the last several years.
A bit later I went back and saw that another friend had commented on my post saying that for the last 9 months they have only been able to allot around $160 a month to food. I felt horrible. It took me on a journey inside. I felt like I was just being greedy. That I was being ungrateful for what financial help that I've been receiving from my friends to help me stay afloat, including this friend.
It really did make me feel like I was an ungrateful wretch.
I deleted the post and went on an inward journey for the next several days. I totally did not like what I saw. Here are some of the things I discovered:
Whenever I get really lonely and longing for meaningful human connection I find myself sharing things on social media just to try to get at least some interaction even if it might not be in the best way, which often includes sharing stuff like the post I mentioned above.
I felt like all I was doing was receiving but I had no community where I could really give. My one local friend is not very receptive so I can't really give to her and interaction online just doesn't cut it like it would in person. It made me feel like I was just a greedy person who didn't care about others.
I realized that I need to find some way to give to someone somewhere. I can't just keep receiving because it's killing me. I love to give but I just haven't had very many opportunities like I used to or else I just have not been able to see them.
I also realized that for my mental health I need to find some sort of community. It's not that I haven't been trying, it's just that my opportunities have been limited and I am quite picky about what I allow in my life because of everything I've already been through in my short life. But without a vehicle I feel even more limited in trying to make connections, especially in person.
Realizing these things took me quite low for a while. I'm tired of one sided relationships where I am the one always reaching out when I want connection or need something like a listening ear. I need relationships with reciprocity. I've had so many relationships where I was the strong person but I just don't have the energy anymore for that so my circle is extremely reduced. I need to protect my energy so that I have something to give when there is an opportunity I genuinely want to meet.
I think the hardest part through all this introspection was that the first person I was angry with was myself. It has been ingrained in me from childhood that there is good and evil in the world, including inside of us. Just lately I had come across a discussion where it was mentioned that western religion (Abrahamic religions mostly) teach that there is good and evil including people and emotions etc but Eastern beliefs teach that there is light and dark and all can be beneficial. As I pondered this I could see the difference. When you see things as good and evil it causes division but if you can see things as dark and light and all has the ability to transform you into a kinder, more aware person it looks more appealing in my opinion. I was reminded of a story I think I first came across in one of our readers at school which was about an indigenous elder teaching a young one through a story saying that we have 2 dogs inside us and the one we feed the most is the one that will win.
It has been hard work over the years to face the darkness and pain inside of me. It doesn't seem to get easier except I find myself more open and aware and kinder to myself which makes it not as dramatic and depressing as it might otherwise be, for example, beating myself up for what I am feeling. This makes it a bit easier to face and process my shadows even though I still get angry with myself.😑 Acknowledging the darkness within us takes away its power and can help us grow. As I processed the depth of these "horrible" things I saw in myself as well as the different things I was reading I began to see that I'm just a human being and what I was feeling and seeing within is just normal survival instincts. But more than that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. We are so much more than our bodies and are so much more powerful than we realize and have been taught.
I have been learning about reiki, energy , and chakras. It's been quite interesting. I had bought myself the book Reiki and the Seven Chakras by Richard Ellis and it finally arrived on Tuesday when I was still trying to process all these dark things I was seeing inside myself. I devoured the book the same day I got it. It was very easy to read and full of stories from the author's experiences in learning and administering reiki. Some of them made me cry. After I was done reading it I said out loud to the universe that if reiki was for me then please make a way for me to learn because by this point I realized that there are many different versions (just like Christian denominations😜) and I wanted to learn the most effective real thing and nothing fake. The author talked about the drama in the reiki community and how he just avoids it and does his best to keep spreading healing which gave me a high opinion of him and I thought perhaps I could learn from him or go to Japan to learn from the original "strain" of reiki that I was interested in. At this point it looked like it would be extremely expensive with a lot of traveling so that seemed way out of reach for the foreseeable future. I just let it go and trusted that if it's supposed to happen then it will.
That same morning I had also biked to the closest Dollar General which was roughly 6 miles away and realized before I got there that perhaps trying to keep my second job and biking an average of 12-20 miles a few times a week was a bit out of reach for my body and the health conditions I am dealing with. I tried to enjoy the ride and found a park and an old graveyard to explore but even so I had to push myself all the way home. I realized that this job that I had been so excited about because it was more flexible than a normal workplace job was perhaps out of my reach as well now. It was a defeating blow. Like what am I going to do? If I can't keep this job then what job can I actually have? I know I don't have the skills and equipment that most work-from-home jobs require. On top of that I have no desire really for any of that. Also my lease will be up the end of May and if I have to move where would I go? I don't even have a vehicle to get around to appointments and shopping, let alone move my belongings. It caused some very dark and despairing thoughts and ponderings because in a way it would look like I'm not far from the kind of situation my destitute friend is in...
The next two days I was still kind of down trying to process these dark things and come to grips with them. On Thursday I was talking to my counselor and I was telling her how I'm having so much neck pain and that I've been having a mysterious sore throat ever since that "Christian" organization told me they can't help me and I said that I'm just really angry at all the religious people throughout my life, a few in particular, who caused so much harm and trauma to me. By this time, with everything I had learned about chakras and how physical pain can reflect emotional blocks etc I began to realize that perhaps some of neck pain was coming from keeping my voice silent and that perhaps it's time to tell my friends that I can no longer adhere to Christian beliefs, partly because my healing journey of processing all the hell I've been through has revealed so many red flags in religion that I just couldn't be okay with anymore and also because of that it put on a digging search into history to research the roots of religion and what has so far been discovered to piece together the beginning of the Abrahamic religions. I was still trying to figure out what to do and talking about it helped me get things a little bit untangled in my mind.
After I got off the phone and was processing our conversation I realized it's now or never and I can't keep suppressing my voice for fear of losing even more "friends". My first step was to write a post to declare to the "world" that I'm not a Christian anymore. Here is what I wrote:
"I think its about time to let you all know where I'm at in my belief journey and you can decide if you want to stay in my life or not...
I'm not going to hide it anymore for fear of losing more "friends"...and I'm not saying that this is a discussion because it isn't. I'm just stating where I'm at in what I believe. Neither do I want any fear mongering in the comments.
You can believe whatever you want about why I believe what I do. But this is my perspective and your perspective is your perception and responsibility. There is nothing wrong with that. We all have our perceptions and beliefs. But it is wrong to try to shove them down someone else's throat or fear monger or lovebomb another into your specific religion.
I can no longer say I'm a Christian. The more I dig into history the more it becomes a myth like all the other religions in the world.
I'm not an atheist. I am not a witch.
I am spiritual. I have no other description for it except that I seek love, light and truth.
I believe there is a source for the universe and it is love. And that love can heal anything.
Yes, I am angry. Really angry. At all the religious people throughout my life who treated me horribly. From gaslighting to abuse. I am working on processing that anger because I don't want it to harm anyone. But that is not the reason why I no longer believe in the Christian god. It is because I asked hard questions and dug for the answers.
I think that's about all I will say even though I could say more. I am not here to try to justify my beliefs. The more I heal the more that the Abrahamic religions put a really bad taste in my mouth.
I am on a journey and there is always more to learn. With my intuition and logical thinking helping me to go the direction I am supposed to go. I will continue my journey and its up to you whether you want to stay in my life or not. Thank you for taking the time to read but please do not come in the comments trying to persuade me otherwise or decry me. In saying that, I can hear my dad saying, it sounds like you have your mind made up. Yes. Yes I do. Not because I chose to but because this is the direction that my healing journey has taken me.
(If anyone is actually interested in the hard questions I asked, I am open to discussing it, but only if you are open minded. I will not accept any gaslighting, fear mongering, or preaching or whatever you want to call it. If that is how it comes accross I will not be open to discussing.)"
It was a very powerful, freeing step for me to take. And honestly my weird sore throat hasn't bothered me since.
Next my thoughts turned to how I can give somewhere to balance out the receiving. I had to come up with some way of giving. One thought was taking flower bouquets to random neighbors. Which may happen at some point but right now I couldn't justify it even though I imagined what it would feel like. I have a friend who lives in another country and is in an extremely destitute situation. I've been wishing so much that I could help in some way but I feel so limited and in lack, especially to help in a long term way. That evening I sent her a post with photos of flowers and a little miniature room in my dollhouse that I created for her because that's what I wished I could give her because she deserves it. It didn't feel like much but it was one way I could think of giving to someone.
The next morning, Friday morning, I woke up with a dream of one of my friends and I going to this individual's house and trying to help her. There were more details in the dream but what stuck out to me is how it broke my heart and I struggled to hide my tears because no one deserves to live in such conditions. I lay there pondering what it might mean or if perhaps it was triggered from my actions the night before.
For several months now I've been struggling to know how I can help alleviate some of the pain and drama going on in the world. Advocating didn't resonate with me. Screaming into the void doesn't resonate either because I would only be adding more noise and negativity to everything already going on and I couldn't figure out how that could bring healing. So I wrote a short post here about how when pondering the dream I suddenly realized that what I can do is send healing energy. It would not add to the noise and drama of the world but rather relieve suffering here and there and eventually it could make a big difference. That realization brought me back to my request to the universe to make a way for me to learn reiki if it was for me.
With sleep having fled my eyelids with this realization I got up and lay on the sofa listening to music that I found in a financial course that I came across the other day for half off. It has to do with programming the subconscious mind for abundance instead of scarcity and lack which I have struggled with my entire life. (I was hesitant about buying it because I have spent several hundred dollars if not more the last few years on courses trying to find something that works for me and it felt like I might just be throwing away money yet again. As I did some digging the reviews were good and there were no refunds, the reason being that anyone who puts in efforts will see good results. It was a small enough amount that I felt I could invest in it so I did. You can check it out here.)
The last several days I was exploring the practices and effects of different reiki practitioners on YouTube and I kept coming back to my favorite Reiki guy who some have dubbed the crystal Jesus.(He really does look like it 😆) I had watched one of his videos and in the comments someone wondered what kind of reiki he practices and another said that he practices it the right way. That made me curious and so this morning I decided that while I listen to my music that I will try to figure out what kind of reiki he practices as well as to see if any certain type resonates with me, because, well, I want the most real and powerful one to make as much impact as possible.🫣
By the time I got to the second or third article detailing different kinds of reiki I came across crystal reiki and instantly I knew that this was what my favorite reiki practitioner used. I punched crystal reiki into my search bar to do more digging to make sure and low and behold, part way down the page was a link for an online crystal reiki course. I checked it out, noting the positive reviews as well as the regular price of $249 being on sale for $25. It sounded too good to be true. I bookmarked it and continued my research but couldn't forget about it. I went back to it to look at it some more to see if I could find anything that might tell me whether it's a scam or not. It all sounded real but one of the requirements was that to take the course you had to have learned the first two levels of reiki of which I knew nothing except what I observed from practitioners on YouTube or read .
Way down at the bottom was a link for courses. Out of curiosity I clicked on it and the first course at the top was Reiki I, II, & Masters. Exactly what I needed before doing the crystal reiki course. It still sounded too good to be true. I scrolled down for the reviews and the price. It had good reviews and was listed at $25. There were 2 other courses listed as well, one of which was animal reiki. Then I remembered my request to the universe to make a way for me to learn reiki if it was for me and in that moment I knew in my heart that this was for me. It was as though my path was laid out before me.
I got myself some breakfast and sat down to make the purchase as it was supposed to rain and I wanted to get outside for a bit before the rain to see if I could get any good photos of birds or animals. As I was making the purchase I was still keeping my eyes peeled for scam signs or red flags. I didn't see anything except just a common sales tactic of getting a bundle for a cheaper price for a one and only chance before you check out. I was planning to purchase the first reiki course and the crystal reiki course because I didn't know how long the course would be on sale and was hoping I might be able to do it all in one purchase for $45. Here all 3 other courses were bundled for $40. As I debated in my mind if it was worth it and if it was a wise choice to invest in it, I thought about what I was learning in my financial course and seeing things as an investment instead of a waste or bill(everything we buy is an investment because it can give us a better quality of life than if we hadn't invested in it, like say, electricity). I decided that even if I might feel at some point like my money was wasted I could see that I would still learn something and whatever I could glean from yet another course would ultimately lead me towards my dream of bringing healing to the world from my own little corner. So I made the "investment" and released the outcome, trusting that I was being led to what was for my highest good.
A few minutes later I went outside and had barely gotten situated on my overturned 5 gallon bucket seat when my eye caught on a rainbow in the west. I tried to get a picture of it but it was light enough that it couldn't really pick it up so I got my old phone that takes good pictures and tried that. It was a little better but the buildings were in the way so I went to the back of the yard to see if I could see it better. To my delight I discovered that there was actually a double rainbow! Just the ends of it, not too brilliant but still visible. I watched it for at least 5 minutes and towards the end it was very pink. It just added a very magical touch to what had already happened that morning.
I spent the morning working on my financial course and the step I was working on was figuring out my financial genome and putting a prompt into ChatGPT to see what income ideas that could be generated with my unique desires and dreams. I got so many ideas and breakdowns of what different streams of income would look like that it blew my mind. There was one in particular that literally made me cry because I resonated with it so much. And it was just so beautiful. I won't go into detail here as this is already getting quite long but I'm working on it in the background and will reveal it when the time is right.
I had to take a break because all that information had fried my brain but when I felt ready I started the first reiki course. The first section was about the history and basics of reiki, some of which I already knew from what I had researched and the reiki book I had read on Tuesday. Next I moved on to the next section that explained different parts of the energetic body that we all have around us, unique to us, ending with two practices one can do to help themselves. One was scanning your own body with your hands and seeing if you can pick up any energetic information and sensations. The second one was a practice for releasing energy that isn't for my highest good. That one made me cry because I could feel the energy coming through my crown chakra. It's almost like the universe is so excited to share with me that I can barely make fast enough progress for it because I tend to take my time so I don't get overwhelmed😆
Anyway it's been a beautiful week overall with some magical happenings in my perspective and even though I am still a bit scared about how the near future will work out financially but more now than I ever have, I feel a sense of direction and purpose and that I am on the way to abundance in many aspects in ways that I never could have dreamed or imagined a few short months ago.
(I also did find a way to give to another individual that felt right and it satisfied and balanced that need to give after receiving. It felt so good.)
And now my journey will continue...and I thank you for taking the time to read. I hope that one day somewhere somehow this journey of mine will inspire others. There is no lack. Only abundance. The universe is for us, not against us. Being curious will only propel you forward on your journey even faster than you ever thought possible. And one day I hope that I will hear inspiring stories from those who have been inspired by my journey, making a full reciprocal circle...🤍
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