The last several weeks have been really rough physically. I haven't been sleeping well. The stress is wreaking havoc on my health and I'm hoping that my health doesn't collapse before I make my move to another state in a few months.
Today I woke up early once again and couldn't fall back asleep. The exhaustion was overwhelming. It felt like I hadn't slept in a long time. I had been planning to go yardsaling with someone but I was so exhausted and my feet hurt and I couldn't think of even enjoying it. Plus if I'm moving I dont want to accumulate more stuff. I had to laundry and I wasnt sure if I could even accomplish that task but I forced myself to because I need clean clothes for work next week.
When I got to her house I told her I was too exhausted. Then she took me out for breakfast as I hadn't had much and didn't have eggs or potatoes in the house. Then we went to the grocery store next door where I got myself groceries.
By the time I got home I was so weary I went to bed and tried to take a nap but someone was target practicing in the woods and it made it impossible to sleep. As I was laying there holding my doll and wondering curiously where the younger part of me is and I just had a picture in my mind of her hiding behind the bed and I just, without any consideration for what she's dealing with, told her to get out of there and pushed the bed back.
As I realized that I wasnt able to fall back asleep and I didn't know what else to do so I decided to paint a picture.
It was very painful to do. I couldn't barely stand to see the pain that she was feeling. The rejection. The fear. The unknowns. The overwhelming decisions. The needing a safe space but afraid that once again it won't happen. That it will turn abusive. That it will end badly and she really will end up on the streets.
I dont know how to comfort her because I don't know if this move will turn out better than all the others. I have great hopes that it will. Maybe the best I can do is sit with her in all the pain and hurt and memories. To walk with her. To stay by her side. Maybe this time she doesn't have to face all the memories and pain and fears alone. As much as the adult part of me looks forward to the move and a fresh start in a new area, the younger part of me has to deal with all kinds of intense, unpleasant emotions.
Deep down in my core part I know that God is in this and that he is working as we discuss things and share our thoughts and ideas. I can see his hand in it already. And it gives me hope. But its not without a lot of monkey wrenches and decisions and everything else that goes with a move to another state...