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I Know...

It is rather bewildering and heartbreaking to be dreaming of a new friend and an old friend who betrayed you shows up and acts like nothing ever happened...the one who told me that because we became friends through church therefore since I don't go to church (her church) we cant be friends anymore, implying I'm not a good christian because I don't go to church...


She used to be my best friend a few short months ago.


We used to go hiking together several times a month.


We did something together almost every week.


Then I realized church was too painful and triggering for me, so I tried to honor myself and stopped attending.


But the hurt...


The betrayal...


The silence...


The deafening silence...


The implying I'm not a spiritual person like she is...


Never asking my side of the story...


Trying to stay friends only to be turned away, the door of what I had thought was a great relationship being shut in my face...


Alone...


Left out in the cold and dark(or so it felt)...


Now in another state...away from them all(except for my new friend)...


So many used to be friends...


Friends no longer...


Betrayed...


Shunned(because of my choices)...


Over and over and over ...


Is it any wonder that now:


... I'm terrified I'll do something wrong?


... I'm going to sabotage this new friendship too?


...I'm to scared to wander out and about in public?


...even meeting my new neighbors is terrifying?


...that as lonely as I feel I am too scared to wander outside the perimeters of my "safe haven" to go explore?


Then I remember what I've been through:


The countless people I once counted as friends who dropped/betrayed/shunned me when I made choices they didn't approve of...


The churches from one end of the spectrum to the other that I tried to fit in, to belong, to grow in only to be harmed and abused...


The living situations that kept turning abusive, unsupportive, and bad...


The lack of support from every corner when I most needed it down through the years (and I'm not even that old yet, I think should be about 80 by now)...


I know that behind the fear there is a reason:


Why I tremble at stepping out in new territory...


Why I tremble at the thought of new friends...


Why I tremble at the thought of reaching out to a new friend, to invite them to stop by...


Why it feels safer to just hang by myself and work in the flowerbeds...


Why I can't hardly face the thought of the legal things I must deal with in a number of days...


The pain...


The hurt...


The betrayals...


The shunnings...


Triggered by moving...


I know I don't need to wonder why...


I know why...


Someday...


Maybe I can find the strength to step out again...


To try to make friends again...


Right now I need to give myself space...


To grieve...


To honor myself...


To rest ...


To catch my breath ...


Because I've been through more than a lot of people...


I will never be again the same person I used to be...


I can only start over from where I am...


Broken...


Hurting ...


Angry...


Grieving...

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