The other day I got an email from someone who was questioning that I was raped at 4 years old because I didn't have any conscious memories of it and so I thought that for those who don't follow me on social media it would be hard to see some of the progress.
If you have read my second to last blog post you may remember how I mentioned that I cannot stand having jewelry around my ankle and even just holding my doll around the ankles gave me a panicky feeling...I'm feeling more myself again and I decided to experiment yesterday to see if I still have the same negative sensations as I used to in the past.
Guys, I had a piece of jewelry around my ankle THE WHOLE DAY and not once was there any negative sensations!!! To me that is so huge!! It means that there really was an incident of rape and that I was not just making it up! It means that experiencing those sensations and allowing the emotions to come to the surface really did bring some healing to the memory, at least to the point of being able to wear jewelry around my ankle without being triggered.
I mentioned as well earlier that I was so afraid I was just making it up but I did remember yesterday that I had a former counselor once tell me how someone in their church did not remember sexual abuse in their past until after they were married and had several children so I was aware it could happen. I just never thought it would be me. I had also heard about memories being made up and I didn't want that to happen. I discussed it with my therapist friend and she told me that she did her best to only ask questions and in no way influence me because she also didn't want things to be made up. She said that because of the way things unfolded that it had a ring of truth to it as well.
Talk therapy only works so well and a few other modalities as well but to really heal one must feel. It is not easy to explain IFS simply because it sounds weird but in discussing this whole episode with my therapist friend she said it's not like we have all these different age people/children stuck inside of us that we call parts. Anyone who has been through horrible abuse will know how hard it is to be kind and compassionate towards yourself, even if it was only emotional or verbal abuse. This is the reason for the "parts" because it is easier to extend compassion and care to others. Thus memories from different ages are imagined to be other persons making it easier for the survivor to extend love and compassion to themselves. This is why I have mentioned using my doll as the hurting, lonely etc. parts of me as it makes it easier to extend comfort and compassion to myself whereas if I were to just take myself in a miserable mood I would find it nearly impossible to be kind to myself and would much sooner beat myself up for how I'm feeling etc.
I don't know if this makes it easier to understand for anybody. I know that it takes more courage and bravery than a lot of people have to take a look at painful memories and to feel the pain in order to heal on an even deeper level. Others are just not willing to take a deep dive into the rawness of their wounds and it's much easier to drown the pain by becoming addicted to something whether it is staying busy, controlling others, or even just overeating. There's so many ways that the pain can be drowned which usually then results in physical ailments and chronic illness.
I could tell in the last several months that if I don't stop and take time to heal I will end up with an illness of some kind. It's not easy to rest and try to heal my body and the trauma and abuse I've been through but I'm trying. It's not easy to try to take care of myself and watch my savings dwindle. It is rather stressful even though I'm trying to trust that God will take care of me. I've lived so tight for so long and I'm so tired of it but when you're the sole provider for yourself and your health is at stake there isn't much that can be done except rest in order to be proactive.
But let me just mention once again that I am so delighted that I can now wear jewelry around my ankle. To me it means that healing is happening and I'm making progress...which makes the resting not seem quite so in vain...
Thanks for reading and have a good day!