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If I Were To Live In My Car

This is just me processing over planning out what I will need to do if I end up living in my car...

The first thing that comes to mind is my food. Probably because so often as a child food was withheld as punishment. I would have no way to keep my food cold.

I have a frozen Turkey that was a Thanksgiving gift from my employer. I was looking forward to cooking it once I have my own kitchen again.

I have about a case or two of frozen fruit that I had bought and frozen for smoothies etc.

I have a frozen beef tongue that I've wanted to cook ever since I bought it but it hasn't happened.

I have a few other frozen things as well that I haven't used up yet. I also have a number of jars of canned food that I canned myself.

As you may be able to guess I have invested quite a bit of time and money in the food I have. To think of not being able to take it with me feels like a huge loss even if its just food. To me its huge. And I'd have to leave it all behind or trash it because it's too late in the season my car would get too hot. Also I can't keep food or liquids in the storage unit so that's out. I'd have to also get rid of all my refrigerated stuff and only buy ready to eat stuff that doesn't need refrigerated.

Next thing would be the bathroom.

Then the laundry. I'd have to pay for doing laundry.

I'd need to see if I could somehow make my backseat comfortable to sleep in. I can't stretch out so that would make it even more uncomfortable.

Another huge thing would be where I'd charge my phone and laptop. I'd have to sit at the library like so many other homeless people do.

Another big thing would be where I'd park at night. I don't know if I'd be able to find a place that feels safe enough. I wouldn't to park at my friend's house too much because I wouldn't want to get her in trouble.

Perhaps the biggest thing of all is my safety. I have pepper spray but if someone is determined to abuse me, they will get around it. I've been through hell. I don't need more trauma and abuse to heal from.

After I ended up in the shelter I had to get the police to help me remove my belongings. The one asked me why I don't move back with my sister who helped me move. I said its too close to my parents. Everytime I think of moving back to any of the places I lived, I shudder. So many people know me that before long my parents would somehow find out and I'd have my parents on my doorstep. And...they would try to run over me again and blame me because they believe that I'm mentally ill and going to hell because I've left the Mennonites. But they would deny it if someone questioned them about it. Just the idea of my parents having access to me again fills me with fear and shuts me down.

Right now it feels like I'm just making uturns in hell trying to escape and every now and then I've hope that something will work out but then it evaporates.

I'm so tired. I haven't been sleeping well. I'm always on edge because I have to share space with people I don't trust. I don't know what to expect. I've tried so hard to make a better life for myself only to end up here. I think that if the salvation army is the only available place then I'd rather live in my car.

How I'm going to survive that I don't more day and I'll find out where I'm going to end up...whether it's my car, another shelter, or someone being kind enough to open their home...I'm trying to be prepared for the worst so I don't get caught off guard. I've been caught off guard often enough lately that I can't handle too much more...I keep trying to hang on to hope but I don't know how much longer I can...

What would you do if you were in my situation? I guess you can only speculate unless you have been where I am now...

Oh, and I forgot about my plants...I'd have to dump them or give them away because I wouldn't have any place to keep them...sigh...I love growing things....

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