I learned something new in my Sunday therapy appointment; cognitively anyway...and that's a start....
Some of y'all know the pain the lady downstairs has been in pushing my boundaries basically past my limit of endurance...My session started with me blaming myself for not listening to the red flags before I moved in putting me in the position where I now feel trapped.
But it's not my fault. It's hers.
She's the one who's being unreasonable.
There's nothing wrong with the boundaries I'm setting.
The pressure from her keeps pushing me to be creative in finding new ways to keep my boundaries and reaching out for help in trying to keep her from running over me. A "normal" person would be respectful of another when they say no.
As a child if I tried to say no I got beat so I learned to bottle my emotions. I felt trapped with no safe place to go. Now I feel trapped and like my voice has no meaning because she keeps trying to run over me.
But what I could not see was that I have power in this situation.
I'm using my voice.
I'm setting boundaries.
I'm reaching out for help.
I'm allowing others to encourage and support me.
Another thing I could not see is that I'm winning.
I'm winning in that I'm not backing down (thanks to some very supportive friends).
I'm winning in that I asked for help when it was more than I could handle.
I have power in this situation.
I am winning.
It helps me on my cognitive level but I still have to deal with the memories and emotions on the subconscious level and physically. I have to consciously keep telling myself that I have power and I'm winning.
I was telling my counselor how I'm so exhausted all the time and she said you're learning and doing so many new things, it's no wonder. I had to stop and think on that one a bit. But it's true.
I'm learning so many new things with my new trauma therapist friend.
I'm doing a lot of watercolor paintings of things I've never tried painting before.
I'm dealing with constant pressure from the lady downstairs.
I've been taking on new responsibilities at work.
I'm almost done writing my third book.
I keep reading books to help me go forward.
And learning to listen to my body and treat it with respect and take care of it.
And probably more that I can't think of right now...
Sometimes this healing journey gets overwhelming.
But then people listen, ask questions, and help me process. Others meet my physical needs. And others want to hang out with me. And it makes life a little easier. Lifts the burdens off my shoulders. Revives my trust in humans and kindness to a certain extent.
Right now I don't feel too bad even though I'm tired. I'm still trying to grasp these new nuggets of truth and accept them because my body tries to say something different.
It takes time.
So thank you to those of you who have been so supportive. You help me more than you realize.
I don't know if this can be helpful or encouraging to anyone else in their journey...otherwise hopefully you can enjoy my ponderings of these new nuggets....