We are all made uniquely different from each other and no one likes exactly the same things. Even in nature everything is so diverse.
Everyone of us has gifts and talents we can use to bless others. It just takes a while for some of us to figure out what they are. Some of us refuse to use them. There's a story in the Bible that Jesus once told. It goes like this:
For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away.
He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money.
Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’
And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here I have made two talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’
He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.’ But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. Matthew 25:14-28
For years I was intrigued by this story...I knew talents were money but I didn't have much and I couldn't figure out how I could take what little money I had and gain more. When I thought about what gifts I had, I couldn't think of anything. Even though I like many things, I get bored quickly. So how could I have gifts and talents to use? What am I here for? I'm just existing but I want to thrive but how to I just couldn't figure out. There was just this sense that I don't deserve the good that comes my way but rather I just expect bad to happen to me. That's just been life for me, so why not still? I keep waiting for the next bad thing to happen, like it's not normal to not have bad things happen to me whether it's physically or things people say or whatever. I just thought about it again yesterday; I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen; afraid to spread my wings, to thrive, afraid of yet another thing to knock the wind out of me.
The past year has been a long process of coming to grips with a lot of things that happened/were done to me and calling them what they really are. To stop denying them as normal. To be honest with myself. To learn it's ok to say no and to have boundaries. To learn that perhaps the way I so badly wanted to go and thought was God's will was actually not. (That in itself is enough to knock the wind out of me because I so badly want to be pleasing God in some kind of ministry. )
Now I am accepting the best I can that for right now I need to take care of myself. I look at the twist and turns of my life and wonder if there would have been some shorter way to get to where I am today. It seems God specializes in taking people the long way around. But honestly I don't think I'd want to exchange any of the wisdom and experience that I've gained. Sure, I still wait for the next bad thing. I still have days of denying things. I still have so much to learn. I still have so many painful wounds and other junk in my heart that needs to be dealt with.
For the last several weeks I've been wondering if perhaps the things I long to do are not what God wants me to do. Over the last several years there's been several ministries I wanted to join and be a part of only to have them/my plans "collapse on my head in ruin". I feel like more and more keeps being cut out of my life till I'm left with only my job and a few projects to occupy me. It's hard to not get panicky, for what gives me a feeling of being worth something is in doing things for others. Even that seems to disappear except what little I can do to bless my church family and siblings.
The other day I wrote out a list of goals for this year. Honestly I don't know that I even believe they will happen because I expect some bad thing to keep me from accomplishing anything. Some of that list is as follows:
-uploading Bible studies and hopefully podcasts to a site where people can then call in and listen to them. It is intended as a ministry to reach the Amish and Mennonite communities with the truth of the Gospel. I started with a pastor I enjoy listening to and am currently uploading studies for every chapter of the Bible. So far I've made it to Isaiah. As a side note, I love how he did the Genesis account of the flood, full of information and science, and if your interested look up the start of the story about the flood here:
I then want to spend a little money on advertising it in newspapers to target certain communities as their own newspapers won't print the information because it would be misleading for people to study Scripture.
-I've been working on my GED for the past 4 or more years and I am not even half way.🤦♀️Some of it is stuff I never learned in school.
Wouldn't it be awesome if I could get it done this year? I'm currently waiting for the 9th set of books and there are a total of 18.
-I want to continue my healing journey. This past Sunday we had a self defense class at church. A police officer who comes to church with his family taught us some of the basic steps to self defense: #1 stay away from dangerous areas #2 be aware of your surroundings #3 he taught us a few ways to try to fight and get away if someone did indeed attack us with evil intentions. Just that hour and a half space has given me a taste of confidence and freedom from fear and has greatly whetted my appetite for more and may be a big part of the next step of my journey. It remains to be seen though. At this point I am not letting my hope get too high for I don't want to get knocked flat yet again. I may yet become a small person that is dangerous mess with which would be awesome in my opinion. I've been a rug and a toy in too many people's hands in my life and I'm tired of it.
-be able to read and enjoy the Bible again. This is a painful one. I won't go into detail but you are welcome to read more here: https://www.lighthopetruth.com/post/the-effects-of-spiritual-abuse
-I have a lot of fabric scraps left over from when I worked at a fabric store and from other sewing projects. I hate to see it go to waste and so my goal is to make useful things with it to bless others with or maybe sell at a craft fair. Some of the things I've already made are coasters,
bookmarks,
kitchen towels,
and more. Here are cups I found that are eventually going to be gift baskets or to sell...
I have 3 quilts waiting to be done. The one is an embroidered one that I probably started when I was about 10 or so. I only did about one and only in the last half year started working on it again and currently work on embroidering while I am uploading sermons that I mentioned above.
This is the embroidery design. I have done 5 and there is a total of 20.
This is the for the back:
This is how the corner of the quilt will look. The pansy fabric will go between the big blocks and in the corner of the big blocks will be a small red square :
The other two are patiently waiting for me in the closet. Here is a sneak peek:
This is the basic pattern and subject to change...
These are the fabrics:
Plus this panel that I plan to cut up into single blocks to use throughout the quilt:
This is the back:
This is the second one. I have no design for this one yet. I just liked the colors:
This is to be the back:
-I did not think to add this till tonight but I felt inspired to get my paints out the other week and have painted a few pictures. I want to paint more and then either sell them or give them away. I found that it helps me relax as nothing else that I have yet tried. It is small slow steps and I can get very involved in what I am doing, resting and still being creative. Here's a few that I've done:
This one may end up in the trash...
-Another thing not on my list is decorating. I thrive when I have an empty space to decorate. Sometimes I have themes other times it's just making the space inviting and comfortable. I don't like the things that are common. I like the unusual and unique. Thrift stores are great places to find such things. The thing to may be an object or a room or anything else in between. Here's a few of the latest:
-This was a box with folders for each family at church to put Christmas cards:
-This was the decorations at our church's Thanksgiving dinner, complete with toilet paper pumpkins:
-The first wreath I ever made:
These are the main things that I am working on, on the lighter side of life...I'm sure I could add more but I hope you enjoyed this little bit...if you know of a quilt pattern you like that you think would be good for the last(purple and green) quilt do let me know in the comments below. If I like it I may use it. It wouldn't be the first time that I put more than one quilt pattern together to make one...
But more important than all of this is being at peace with God and hanging out with friends. There is a reason that the Bible says to not forsake the assembling of ourselves together. We need each other and we need God too. And I am blessed despite everything...if what I have gone through can be/is used to help others how can I say otherwise?