Today has been a day that for the most part I prefer not to repeat, mentally or emotionally. Triggered in part by an interaction with an individual last night that was like pouring salt in a deep wound as well as emailing my counselor and trying to explain how in essence I'm finding it extremely hard to trust her and how she triggers me. Plus the stress and pain of all the things that have happened in the last several months has been excruciating.
I still had several hours before my appointment and I literally didn't know what to do with myself so I decided to go shopping for boots and a rain jacket so that I can hopefully stay a bit dryer in this weather and so I have something for future times rather than just my work shoes.
Then I tried out a new cafe since I literally had no motivation or appetite for making any food. (London fog is a comfort drink for me)
Next I get to my session and Flicka didn't even want to go with me. She knew very well what I wanted but she kept saying no. Which in itself was a trigger because to me I was being rejected yet again. After talking with my therapist about some of the things going on she suggested walking around the pasture and then maybe coming back to the horses because the best thing someone can do when triggered is to move. We walked half way around and the horses in the next pasture came over to say hi, which changed everything for me. Someone had accepted me and chose to connect with me. It is so weird how it worked. But it shows me even more the power of choosing to connect with another individual because I see the powerful difference it makes in my own life.
Earlier when we had been talking I had shared how I went shopping to get the rain jacket and boots and she commented how that is self-care (on my end I was just scared that I won't be able to curb my buying appetite but I had managed to walk out without buying anything else).
Afterwards I went on a hike, well actually, it was a walk in a graveyard with a friend which turned out to be invigorating and refreshing and helped me warm up after my therapy session that had been spent outside in the weather since Flicka hadn't been interested in going with me....
Anyway on the way home I felt much better and pondered on my therapist's comment about self care and realized that pretty much from the time I stepped out the door to go shopping I had been taking steps of self care without realizing it. That in itself is encouraging to me because it means that self-care is becoming more natural which means that I'm slowly releasing the hatred and anger I hold towards myself....and if you stayed with me this long I appreciate it and in case anyone needs ideas I want to share the self care steps I took today...I took such a long time laying the foundation so that you can hopefully see how necessary and important these steps are for me...and hopefully get some ideas for yourself...
-shopping for items I needed which in turn got me up and moving and out of the house
-buying myself a meal to nourish my body when I have a tendency at times to punish myself by not eating
-needing a bathroom so stopped at a store I knew a friend works and made a point to say hi to her even though it wasn't the easiest thing to do but knew it would probably brighten her day
-going walking with a friend in a graveyard despite the crazy weather
-taking a hot green tea soak (did you know green tea is good for your skin and can help with certain skin ailments?
-transplanting some herbs that I hope to hang by the windows and then have fresh herbs to use through the winter(it felt so good to get my hands in the dirt)
-trimming my hair
-painting my nails
And now hopefully I can sleep better tonight than I did last night... 🙃such a long row! Hopefully you could enjoy it...