Updated: Oct 25
I found out the other day that I need to move by Nov. 15. I just moved here on July 15. I thought it was coming to a safe place. I started making strides in healing and then my housemate lashed out at me in jealousy and won't take responsibility for their actions. Instead as I tried to set boundaries they twisted my words into a horrible mess of gaslighting to the point that I blamed myself and it I thought I was going to lose my mind, it made me feel like I was crazy.
The email in which the news came was rather impersonal and cold. The lawyer said he did not want anyone renting. So I need to move out by Nov. 15. And they said that they are sorry for any inconvenience that it causes...
Then I go downstairs on Wednesday evening and find a note on the counter:
Here is the one from the time before:
I love working outside and when I had been here in April I had mentioned that I would love to help with the flowerbeds. I did it because I wanted to help and to be a blessing and I wasn't expecting to be paid.
I happened to be downstairs when they were writing out the "invoice" for September and asked me about how many hours I think I worked. So I said about 2 weeks worth of days because I didn't work outside every day but some days I spent most of the time outside. What they wrote is what they chose to write. (The whole invoice thing started because I was having hard time relaxing and they asked if it would help my body feel safe to have an "invoice " as proof that the rent is free; it wasn't even my idea. It was something they chose to do.)
To me it was a nice surprise because I wasn't expecting it and it made the financial stress load a little lighter on my shoulders. For the last 2 months I've been expecting the money but nothing was given. For Sept. 15 they only wrote a note saying "Happy 2 month anniversary in Ohio". So the one for October is a month late.
Right away I felt the anger rising. I had been expecting the $1200 for the past 2 months and now they're going to deduct rent after they told me it's free???
They are coming back from their trip tonight. I wrote out an email and will send it in the next few days. I have reworded it a few times because I'm afraid that I'm too harsh and yet I don't have the energy to handle any more BS from them. Their true colors are showing and they are not the safe survivor advocate that they portrayed themselves to be. Here is what I've settled on for now even though I may take out the part about when I want the money by:
I don't know how they will respond. Or what they will say. I mostly expect them to make a big fuss or get angry about it. I'm starting to see now that they aren't very stable. And that I can't trust them. I no longer feel safe. In some ways it's worse than it was living with the lady downstairs. She would just act like I didn't have a voice and just an ear to listen to her. This is someone I thought was a safe and healthy person but instead they have twisted my words until I was blaming myself and beating myself up even though I had done nothing "wrong" except for trying to set boundaries and disentangle myself from their enmeshment. It seems that because I do not "dance to their tune" they are upset with me and all the survivor advocate stuff flew out the window.(and then they can go to an abuse training seminar and wear a shirt that says "I stand with survivors ". It's like mockery to my face because I now know that's not true.)
To them I'm the bad person. I'm the unreasonable one. They can't step back and look at themselves therefore I have to be the scapegoat, I guess. (If I remember to do it, I will be shaking the dust off my shoes when I leave this place.)
When I first could relax enough to rest I made a lot of progress in therapy, but then after it all blew up in my face, I still made a little progress but it was mostly about processing the whole present abuse from this "survivor advocate" instead of working on other stuff like I thought I would be doing. Just so much anger. And pain of betrayal. And frustration. And confusion.
Now and then I'd be able to dive below the surface in therapy but for the most part it was all about trying to process the present situation. I mean, at least I'm processing it and not just trying to stuff it deep inside somewhere, I guess.
I have cried so many tears the last two months. On Friday I exhausted all the leads I had for rental assistance. I did a bit of packing on Thursday. This is certainly not how I expected this to go. Or for our time together to end. The most supportive friend I thought I had has vanished into thin air. And I...am struggling to hold on to hope.
I have no energy. I do what I have to. I push myself to keep going. But if I'm honest with myself...I'm done. My body is done. Wore out. I have dreams but now they mock me. All the uncertainties around the world add to the fear and hopelessness. How dare I think I deserve a safe place when so many others are not safe? How am I going to survive without ending up on the streets when I have no energy to work? And I keep hearing my dad's voice "It's just all in your head!" A phrase I often heard when I wasn't feeling well....
I've been having a very hard time not disassociating or distracting myself. I spent all day yesterday on YouTube watching documentaries. I'm constantly getting on Facebook. And I'm having a hard time not falling down the rabbit hole of porn.
I know it is because I don't feel safe in this situation. I also know its because I don't have hardly any hope for finding a safe place without ending up on the streets. I expect to be penniless in another month or two, especially if I keep getting denied for food stamps. And possibly selling what things I did bring with me including my car just to survive because what use will it be if I can't drive it because I don't have money to pay for gas or insurance. I guess I'm seeing all the worst scenarios that can happen because the good, better, best scenarios are next to impossible currently with what I have at my disposal...
I tried to design some notebooks using my photos for the covers. I want to make several of them to make my own unique collection. The first one is being reviewed.
It's been horrible. I feel trapped in a body that's worn out. There's so many things I want to do, including working a job or at least have some form of stable income, but right now that looks impossible. Back in April I tried to work full time so I could afford a better situation and get out of an abusive one. But every week went slower and slower. It felt horrible. I literally could not move fast, at my usual speed. If I wouldn't have had such a kind and understanding boss I'm quite sure I would have been fired. I don't know how I made it through those last several weeks. I don't know how I'm going to make it now. It's so hard to not be hard on myself.
The tears fall often. I spend most of my time trying to rest or pushing myself to try to figure out some way to make some more income. Its horrible. And I hurt. And the anger rises at each new injustice. It's horrible.
But I'm so tired. So bone weary tired. I know I need to take care of my health. I need a safe place. I need to rest. But how does that happen when one doesn't have the necessary resources? I don't know. I'm going to try to take one day at a time and try to hold onto hope. And maybe...just maybe...some kind of miracle will happen...
Edited to add:
This is what I sent. Now I wait to see what drama will next unfold for I expect some sort of gaslighting and passive aggressiveness or perhaps even outright anger...