The Portrait of The Heart of a Survivor In The Eyes of an Abuser
Here's a beautiful painting of a young lady who is trying to do her best to heal. She is so creative and loves to bless others with her gifts and talents. She loves her few friends dearly and longs to others along on their healing journeys. She is quiet but can talk when the setting is right. She does best when she feels safe and can thrive because so much of her life has been a nightmare.
Oh wait, it's not?
What? Am I crazy?
What went wrong?
Am I seeing right?
You say there's nothing there?
You gotta be kidding? So much hard work went into that painting!!
All sarcasm aside, some people say that people don't make you mad, you choose to be mad.
While that may be right in a sense, would you not think that an individual would feel righteous anger when they as an individual are totally disregarded and all their requests are ignored?
When time and again they are trodden underfoot of another who has no respect for their wishes and concerns?
When anything they say is as though they said nothing at all?
Don't you think they'd start feeling like they're going to go crazy after a year of such a brutal ignorance and disregard?
This is how the lady downstairs makes me feel. Once again she had to ask a question when I came home as though all the times before I hadn't said a word about not being interested and to leave me alone. I have also got another individual involved whom she refuses to listen to.
I feel like she sees me as this blank piece of paper and as though everything I am and desire to be is nothing in her eyes. I don't know how else to describe it. I think what infuriates me the most is that she so disregards my voice and yet expects me to listen to anything she has to say.
It invalidates me as a human being.
It invalidates my voice or the fact that I even have a voice.
It invalidates that I'm even a separate being from her.
With gifts and talents different from her.
I feel invalidated.
I feel unheard.
I feel trodden underfoot.
I feel like an object.
I feel like trash.
I feel disrespected.
I feel angry because of these other things that I'm feeling because of her lack of respect of me as a decent human being.
I am angry tonight. Very angry.
I deserve respect.
I deserve being heard.
I deserve to have a voice.
I deserve to be heard.
I deserve to be listened to.
I deserve to be treated like a human being.
I deserve support.
I need support.
I need to be heard.
I need a safe place.
I need my boundaries respected.
I just needed to use some sarcasm to try to help get rid of the anger seething inside. Her actions are like gaslighting and manipulation and makes me feel like I'm going crazy.
I don't know how much more of this treatment I can handle.
Home should be a safe place to rest...but it's far from it....
I'm so tired of all the drama. I just long for peace and quiet and rest. But it looks impossible right now...
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