Some of you know that my car has been on its last leg the last month and that I have no way of replacing it when it quits. If you have never been in such a place you will not be able to grasp the direness, stress, and frustration that one will experience in such a situation. Just imagine what it would be like to have your health declining making it impossible to work enough to pay your bills and then you find out that it will cost $4000 to replace your cars engine and you already have as much money in the car as you paid for it. Imagine what it would be like in such a situation to then try to get financing but get turned away because your debt to income ratio is too high. Imagine reaching out to different charities and organizations only to be turned away because they don't help people with cars, or they only help families or someone with children. Can you imagine the hopelessness and how it would appear that you will lose everything with not even a car to take shelter in? Just imagine for a moment if you would. Just imagine a future full of dreams and things you want to do, create, have and enjoy just swirling down into a bottomless pit of homelessness and you have no way of stopping the trajectory? Can you imagine? Even just a little bit? Just how hopeless and stressful and alone you would feel? This is what I have been dealing with the past week as I realize that there's no help anywhere for someone like me. All I have is what little bit that's been given to me towards a car but it's not near enough to even get a car that would be reliable.
Now add on top of that a root canal that's you had done some years ago and it has off and on bothered you but in the middle of the stress the infection is so bad in the bone that it makes you cry in pain. Not only that, but it affects your ear and tongue and nearly half your face.
I was literally unable to function from the combination of these 2 things: the car and the tooth infection.
Two people suggested I go to the doctor or the ER. I've never been to the ER so that looked too daunting and of course the never ending fear of being taken advantage of. I called around to different doctors to see if they remove root canals and if they have payment plans. I thought I could at least maybe get the process started. The pain was so bad I decided I will go to the urgent care as that seemed less daunting as I'd been at one before. I was given an antibiotic and went to the pharmacy only to come right when they closed for lunch and I could barely hold back the tears as I went back out to my car. I felt so sick and miserable and I just wanted to go home. After half an hour I went back in and got my pills and could finally go home. Thankfully I had a long weekend at home because I used some of my personal days but I definitely didn't get to use them as I had originally wanted to.
I didn't know where to turn. I didn't want to isolate but I also didn't want to bother anyone. And I felt so sick. I just wished I had someone to take care of me. I also realized that if I can't get a loan of any kind that it probably isn't worth trying to qualify for one to get my root canal removed so at this point I haven't made the appointment. My car needs to be taken care of first and if that can't be taken care of then I don't know what will happen. It definitely doesn't look good for me.
I commented on a coach's post and am in a free help chat with her and she gave me a few tips to try to help me get into a better place emotionally. It did help a little bit but I still played games on my phone just to help me cope because it was one thing I could at least win at if I can't win at the life I'm facing.
As I was playing games on my phone I noticed a feeling that I never had before. It was as though nature was gently whispering to me to come outside, almost as though she wanted me to join her. Finally when it was almost dark I finally managed to turn off my phone and listen to the gentle call. As soon as I stepped outside I saw that everything was covered in ice and that 2-3 inch icicles hung off the front of my car. I was disappointed that I didn't respond to the call sooner when it was still light enough to take photos. I thought that maybe in the morning I can take some before I go to work.
The next morning I instead called the last few places in my list for trying to get help with my car only to be turned away because I don't have kids. I decided that when I get to work I need to tell my managers my situation so that they are at least aware of what I'm dealing with. I told my grocery manager first. She tried to help by telling me of two Facebook groups to try ( but they are county specific so it didn't help). I told the store manager a little later. I found it rather amazing that he didn't flinch at my tears like a lot of people would have. He just listened as the story poured out and I told him of all the ways I tried to get help to no avail. (There just isn't help for single people. )He was very kind about it and expressed desire to help any way he could.
I went about my work as usual but an hour or two later my grocery manager came by and said that she had a chat with the store manager and that they decided that they will reach out to the company to see if they can help in some way or if someone has a car they want to sell. I thanked her and cried. You can only imagine what a load that unexpected kindness took off my shoulders! I felt like I could focus better and work better.
After I got home from work I sat outside to enjoy some fresh air before I go inside for the evening, thinking disappointedly that I missed the ice show and won't get any photos. As in response the sun peaked out from behind the clouds and showed me that I was not too late. The tree tops sparkled in the rays of light and I had a very delightful time walking around my bare yard to find different perspectives to photograph. It reminded me of the way bundt cakes looked when my mom drizzled glaze over them and it looked like nature had drizzled everything in glaze as it had not gotten warm enough to melt all the ice like I had thought....I put the photos into a video of you would like to see them here: https://youtu.be/xy6O78YKOUQ?feature=shared
I've also been struggling so much and wondering if I'm just stupid and stubborn that normal jobs drain my energy so much. I mean, it would be nice if I could just work whatever job like a lot of people can. I thought back over the jobs I've had over the years and how they affected me. Working at my uncle's greenhouse and being told I don't work fast enough because I'm taking too much time with the plants. Working at a fabric store and being "forced" to learn to use the cash register and being an emotional wreck because of it. How I had to shut myself down and do what was "required" of me. Working in a deli and feeling trapped and hating it. And discovering what I do like to do. And what doesn't drain my energy. I came to the conclusion that I'm not stupid or stubborn but the fact is that I'm not made to live in the system that I find myself in just to survive. It looks like an impossible jump to get into a way of life where I can thrive and at this point I don't see any way to get there. It seems like his system will eventually just kill me and all my talents and gifts will die along with me.
Yesterday I had a session with my therapist and it was good. I'm trying to cling to hope that help will come from somewhere to lift me up and set me on my feet and help me walk again into a place of thriving instead of just surviving. When I told her of my struggle with feeling like maybe I'm just stupid and stubborn she's like, "Not stupid!" Yeah, I know, but it's part the inner struggle from my dysfunctional and traumatic childhood.
Along with that is also the struggle of feeling like it's just in my head. The lack of energy. The sickness. The things I'm dealing with. This I think is the worst inner struggle. I keep hearing my dad's voice saying, "It's just in your head " every time we were sick or didn't feel well. It makes it so much harder to accept myself and the situation I find myself in. Especially the fact that every year is going worse as in financially due to my lack of energy with which to earn income. I've been assured so many times that things will get better but I have yet to see that happen. It feels like trauma and survival keep adding to the pile of stuff to heal from and right now that looks insurmountable.
But I do hope that somehow my "new" vehicle will find it's way to me and that things will take a turn for the better. It seems every step I take to try to heal is taking me further downhill from where I want to go. I hope the antibiotics will take care of the infection until my car predicament is taken care of and I can somehow get it removed. How that will happen I don't know.
My therapist and I were talking a little bit about chakras and after I talked to her I decided to try a project for my new job thinking 3 hours should be possible. But I was wrong... It took me 6 hours! With my lack of energy and fried brain it was a bad mistake. I didn't get home till after 7 pm and I had to work the next day and I could only imagine how horrible I would feel. Since we had talked about chakras I decided to see if I could find something to relieve the stress so that I would hopefully have a better day than I would have otherwise as usually I would be utterly exhausted the next day. So I listened to this one:
And it really helped so much. I felt my body vibrating along with the music. I felt my stomach relaxing and working again. I fell asleep for a little bit and woke up when it was over. Then I went to bed but I couldn't go to sleep. It seemed like it had actually refreshed me and given me a second wind. I couldn't stop my thoughts so I went for the next video to help me sleep because it was close to midnight and I have used this one before with food results:
I woke up the next morning feeling calm and unworried. I had an unhurried start to my day. After I got home from work and was pondering how much better my day went that what I had expected I give credit to those two videos. I think they helped release the stress and helped me ground so that I could spend the day experiencing it from my heart as in being present and fully embodied instead of from my head and being worried about all the things in my life I don't have control over like my car and my health.
Interesting thing that happened when I listened to the second video for the first time; it was in the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep so I tried it and soothed me like magic. In that first moment when I woke up I felt like I was deep in a very green quiet forest covered in a blanket of moss with trees growing out of my shoulders. I felt so calm and relaxed that I didn't want to move a finger. It was a very unique sensation but also felt very healing. Here is a picture I painted to try to visualize what I felt and sensed:
These are my thoughts and experiences over the past week. It has been a hell of an experience and I have no idea how things will work out but for now I'm just enjoying the peace and comfort these music videos bring and the beauty of nature in my bare back yard. Tomorrow there may be a chance for more photos as there is supposed to be wintry conditions overnight. I also think I will just go back to the spontaneity of writing and creating videos whenever I get the impression and ideas. I think it will work better than trying to do one of each every week. It doesn't feel genuine. And I'll enjoy it more if I'm not trying to contrive up stuff just to meet a weekly deadline...so anyway, it's time for bed and hopefully somewhere along the line this will be helpful or inspiring to someone at some point in some way...
Thank you for reading!🤍🤍🤍💃✨🧚
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