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The Pain of Good Intentions And Learning From Experience

Updated: Sep 6, 2023

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I think I would also add that when Christians imply to other hurting Christians that they shouldn't feel sad or angry or any other "negative" emotion. I read something the other day that mentioned that we are drawn to laughter but for some reason we as humans find it so hard to accept the emotions on the other end of the spectrum. We try to fix the person or problem by quoting Scripture or telling them to do some kind of worship or other thing. I do believe worship has a very valuable place. We as humans are spirit, mind and body. We have feelings. We have minds that think. And there's also the spiritual aspect that seeks to worship something/someone. I struggle with finding the balance. In my old church everything was spiritualized and therefore negative emotions were basically seen as an attack from Satan. I plead the blood of Jesus. I prayed in earnest till I "spoke in tongues". But after several years and a very bad situation I began to see that the underlying things(afteraffects of abuse for the majority of my life) that I struggle with daily are still there and I began to wonder if it's like Paul's thorn in the flesh and I despaired of ever getting better. I began counseling again. I began going to a new church. I began seeking friends and build relationships what little I knew how. It is a miracle that I even go to church but it is because of my relationship with Jesus and the friend He's been to me when I had no others that I could talk to which has kept me from giving up on church folk as a whole.

But I will say that the thing that causes me to struggle the most and keeps me from getting closer in relationship with others is because when it reaches a certain point of me being vulnerable and sharing when I'm hurting or sad or angry the other individual tries to "fix" me. They can't seem to accept the parts of me that don't seem to fit the "normal Christian narrative". For example, when I say that I can't read my Bible right now. I know I'm not alone in this. I have personally heard an abuse survivor say that she hadn't read her Bible in maybe 20 years. She shared with us how she asked God to bring Scripture to mind in an way that is not triggering to her and He has. He has done the same for me. Therefore I have comfort in the fact that God knows and He is fine with's just other Christians that have a problem with it because it's not what they were taught. The reason I stopped? Because I'm done with religion. I realized I was just reading it because that's what I was taught but I never got anything out of it. God is not pleased with religion. He wants a relationship. I'm done with religion and I have peace about it because it's between me and God. Another example is when I share something/ask for prayer I'm then told I should just praise God and I'll feel better or told to read my Bible more,etc. But what about just listening? So often just in trying to verbalize the mess/hurt/pain inside to an active listener alleviates a lot of the pressure and usually brings relief. It seems that culture as a whole can't seem to stand it when someone/something it's broken. It seems we have this vision of a good almost perfect life and struggle to accept that more times than not life is painful. We try to fix broken things and people as quickly as possible maybe because it reminds us so much of our own pain that we have just stuffed under the rug in our own lives. Jesus always treated the hurting folk with kindness and love. He cried outside of Lazarus' grave before He raised him from the dead. He talked with the woman at the well and treated her with respect. He treated the woman caught in adultery as a human being worthy of respect and got down on her level while protecting her before telling her to go and sin no more.

I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I wish I could erase the abuse in my past that causes me so much struggle and confusion and fear. It has shaped me so much into the person I am today that I am now trying to heal and learn new and better ways of coping and believing and living. I wish I could trust more. I wish I had more people in my life that I feel safe with. That I could talk to without being told to do something so I feel better. It's really frustrating most of the time because the person I really want to be is not a person I can become overnight....

But perhaps even though these things weren't in God's plan but they happened because people have choices, He is using them to show me how hurtful and damaging it is to be on the receiving end of these experiences so that I don't repeat them but rather that the cycle stops with me. I find myself asking God every day for wisdom because I realize what a need I have. So many things people need to be healthy whether in mind, body or spirit I have never learned and therefore what better time is it than to start now in learning healthy ways. It is extremely hard and lonely work but I'm thankful for my Friend who sticks by my side and cares when I guess nobody else knows how....while helping me by experience to learn what things to not repeat...

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