Around a year ago in the healing work I was doing I came up with the idea that I wanted to build a dollhouse for the child inside of me that never had one. I wanted to give her so many things that she had never been allowed to have as a child. I used to be obsessed with my cousin's barbies and all the tiny accessories as a young child till it was taken away because they thought I played too much with them...
I designed a dollhouse. I have the plans somewhere in storage. The house would be split in half lengthwise. It would have an open stairway with a curved balcony type landing on the second floor. On the first floor there would be a wide hallway from the front to the back of the house. On one side would be the kitchen and the living room. On the other side would be a craft room and dining room. On the second floor there would also be a hallway from the stair landing to the back of the house. There would be a guest room and a bedroom for the little child inside of me. I was planning to decorate it in all the decor and beauty that I wanted her room to have in real life. What she didn't have in real life she would have in a dollhouse. On the other side of the hallway would be the bathroom and a glass enclosed library full of plants with a loft that went above the bathroom and turned into a cozy reading retreat hideaway. Also there were going to be balconies and bay windows with window seats as well as fireplaces. Everything a little girl would have loved to be surrounded with...
I bought tools and supplies and cut out all the pieces but with moving and ending up in the shelter I hadn't had the chance to pull it back out and work anymore on it. I had already made quite a bit of the furniture for some of the rooms and that's all been stuffed away for the last number of months...
Fast forward to just a few weeks ago I was trying to figure out how to curb my random spending. Always before it felt like I had to kill a part of myself and it was horrible and never worked to tell myself I can't afford something. Then I was reading a book by Robert Kiyosaki and he explained how that he pays himself first by taking 30% out of his income: 10% for himself, 10% for giving, and 10% for investing. After chewing on this for a while, I came up with the idea of paying myself an allowance of $5 every week. As a child I never had an allowance and any money I made my parents took from me. Only monetary gifts and tips was I allowed to keep. It gives me so much excitement to give myself an allowance. I was told that it is a way of nurturing myself and caring for myself. It is like I'm essentially telling myself that I am worthy to be paid for my hard work.
Then I was trying to decide what I would like to buy with my allowance. For whatever reason I started looking at dollhouses on marketplace. Most were over $50, especially the intricate, dainty kind of ones that I wanted. A lot were over $100. I decided that I'd like to get myself one because with my limited energy I'm not sure I'm up to trying to put my planned dollhouse together. I'd just have to save my allowance for a few months and then I could get myself one...
Last night I was scrolling along on Facebook and someone shared this picture:
It made me smile but almost instantly the question floated through my mind: Wouldn't it be fun to have a grown up dollhouse party? I almost shared it to my profile but then I didn't.
A little later I went on marketplace to see if I could find the listing for dollhouse miniatures that I had seen before of a booth or store that sold miniatures because I wanted to check it out. I was planning to take today to take a break from all the necessary things and just do something fun and relaxing but I was having trouble deciding what I wanted to do. I'm limited in what I can do because it depends on whether I feel safe enough or not and I usually don't have anyone to do things with or to go with me.
As I was trying to figure out if I found the ad I was looking for, I came across a listing for 2 large dollhouses. It was listed for $11,111 and I thought that was an odd number to price dollhouses at so I was curious and clicked on it to read the description. In the description it said that the dollhouses were actually free, that they were old and need quite a bit of work. So I messaged the guy and he said to message him after 10 am.
This morning I tried to set it up so people can subscribe to my blog because I discovered that I had somehow accidentally deleted the feature so that it was not accessible. When I got done with that, I had a message from someone who wanted to bless me with a grocery gift card. I told her that I have food stamps so I don't really need it and that she shall give it to someone who needs it more than me, but if she really wants to she can still send it. She gave me a few other options and I picked the one that I thought would be the most helpful. It made me cry because of the kindness. I wanted to say I don't really need anything because I can get by with what I have except for a place to live...I guess I've just learned to do with so little that I hardly know what to say when people ask me what I need and...I tend to gaslight myself by telling myself that other people are worse off than me so then what I might need doesn't look so big and important.
By the time I got done with my convo with her it was 11AM and as I was trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my day I remembered about the dollhouses. I messaged the guy and he said to come on down (a 45 minute drive one way). It took a bit to get it all in my car but I managed to get it into my car and bring it back to the storage unit. Yes, it's got mouse dirt and lots of damage but I'm so excited. I love when I am able to add my own touches to something. It just makes it more valuable.
I got not just one,
but TWO dollhouses!
This just totally made my day. The dollhouses and the kindness behind the giftcard. The lady checked in with me later in the afternoon to see how I was doing and that just meant so much because through all the horribly stressful week I've just endured almost nobody asked me how I'm really doing but I sure got a lot of "I'm praying for you "'s. Ugh, I'm beginning to hate when people say that phrase!
But anyway, perhaps you wanted to see some pictures of the dollhouses? I'll post them at the end...now I'm like impatiently waiting till I can have my own space to work on cleaning and fixing them up. I'm also sensing a desire to be creative with miniatures again...I'm trying so hard to not worry about what will happen if I can't find a place soon and to believe/have hope like everyone else is telling me that I'm going to be alright...
For now I will try to figure out what I can do with the dollhouses while I don't have my own safe place to keep them. I can clean them up a bit but that's about it. I could dig out my miniatures and some fabric scraps which shouldn't be too hard and then I can pretend play and dream until I have my own safe place....and so...
Welcome to my dollhouses!🧚♀️
Number 1...
Some bits and pieces...
And number 2...
Today has been a good day...the support shown me with my trauma professional's video about my situation and the support in the comments helps me not feel quite so alone...I'm so thankful for people who truly care and most of all, are trauma-trained, because it makes my life easier....