Something that's been on my mind lately is Christmas...its been several years since I spent any holidays with my family...next month it will be two years since I wrote this blog post:
It was the first year that I ever decorated for Christmas in my own living quarters. I had a church family. I felt like I belonged somewhere.
Last Christmas I don't remember if I even really decorated. It was a very painful time of having lost my church family because it was too painful and traumatic to sit through church services plus added abuse from the pastor...you can read more here:
Then when I moved back in July, I got rid of my Christmas stuff because I didn't have room to bring it along.
I was anticipating a better Christmas in a new place but now I'm not so sure. It feels like a loss to not have my own space to decorate. It feels like a very uncertain time in my life because of being in the shelter and probably having to stay here over the holidays...
My therapist friend encouraged me to write out my dreams for the future, specifically what my future dream house would look like. I told her that it's hard to dream because for all my life I've had to settle for less:
Less than my worth.
Less than my value.
Less than what I deserved.
Less than what I was made for.
I had to settle for being liked for what I could give instead of being loved.
I had to settle for being shunned and betrayed by all my friends in my time of need over and over instead of having loyal and supportive friends.
I had to settle for going to bed hungry as punishment because my parents didn't try to understand what was wrong with me.
I had to settle for loneliness because people I cared about thought I was doing wrong when I was only trying to follow God's leading.
I had to settle for so much less than I was made for...all my life...
Trying to now dream for the future seems a recipe heading to disaster but I keep being reminded that I wasn't given the dreams I carry in my heart for nothing. They are meant to come true. They are meant to bless others. They are heavy on me and they eat away at me when I try to bury them. They beg and they prick away at the back of my mind and heart whenever I try to compromise or settle for less...
So perhaps I shall write out what my future dream Christmas would consist of this afternoon instead of my future dream home like I have been working on...
The colors will be blue and white with accents of silver...because, well, green and red are just too common. I want it to be uniquely my style (as I don't fit in with the common group at all)...which I have yet to discover...