The Struggle Of Trying To Heal
I'm being very vulnerable here...please be kind with your comments...
I about want to say this and mean it except it's not my mind...it's my body...for years I just wanted to be normal and people looking at me might say I look normal but I certainly don't feel normal...I've been reading lately of how trauma and abuse affects the body and how the body stores abuse and trauma memories and pain resulting in physical issues and illnesses if the memories and pain are not processed and resolved. It is finally starting to make sense and I see it is true. I see it's effects in my body. Even just last night I chose to deny the emotional pain because it felt like it would make me go crazy but this morning I felt the consequenses physically. I'm beginning to see these patterns more and more. Though I may seem calm on the outside I may be having panic and anxiety attacks on the inside.
People say, let go and let God. Maybe you need to pray more. Read your Bible. You just need to believe. Have you tried fasting? Bloom where you are planted. And on and on it goes. If spirituality would help, it would have helped in my last church. I am burned out. I can't tell you how much I've begged and prayed for God to take these things away, to deliver me. To heal me. To just help me be a normal person. And then someone may say, oh, but His grace is sufficient for you just like it was for Paul. Ugh!
God is faithful. Yes. He's been my constant, uncriticizing, nonjudgemental Friend when everyone else walked away. When I had nobody else. When people told me that they fear for my soul because I chose to leave their church. When people told me that I didn't "run and shout enough" (Pentecostal term for "being blessed" for those who aren't aware)and they were concerned that I was losing my salvation. When I start trying to make friends only to get freaked out that I'm going to lose them all over again, when I hate being alone but don't have the courage to ask anybody to hang out because I don't trust enough or they seem too busy....He is my friend. The only one I can trust to not condemn and criticize me.
I can't read my Bible right now. I hate that I can't. People tell me oh, but you have too. I can't talk to my mom right now. I hate that I can't. People say oh, but they're family and you don't know when will be the last time you get to talk to them. If only you knew how much I want to talk to her.
Our bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made, it all works together: the spiritual, the physical, the emotional, and the mental parts. So just trying to add a spiritual act to something that isn't completely spiritual is giving the wrong medicine. If praying would have fixed it, good. If reading my Bible enough would've fixed it, good. If fasting would've fixed it, I wouldn't have been starving myself. And on and on. Right now spiritual things don't go so well, except talking to my Friend.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess mostly I'm just so frustrated that the progress forward isn't faster. I'm frustrated that I have to learn to let myself cry. To let myself feel the pain. To acknowledge the helplessness in the middle of the abuse. To accept the fact that I couldn't do anything about the things I went through as a child. To accept that I'm not to blame for the things that were done to me. I'm so frustrated that I can't live up to people's expectations of me or what they think I should do because of the things that happened in the past. It's so hard to not be able to make people happy and please them. It's so hard to accept that most people will have expectations of me and I just can't meet them. I could never meet them anyway all my life. It's so hard to make boundaries and say no but I literally have no energy to do otherwise. It's so hard to step out of my comfort zone and do all the new things I've been doing lately and maybe I'm pushing myself too hard...I don't know...then there's flashbacks that make life even more horrible till I don't know what to do with myself....ugh...Sometimes life just sucks...
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